Shitty Beer Tuesday #8: Miller Fortune

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin 

Purchased: 24oz CAN bought at some random gas station in Urbana, IL; 2014 

Style/ABV: Malt Liquor, 6.9%

Reported IBUs: ?

24oz? 6.9%? Miller, are you trying to get me drunk?

Let me back up for a second. Tonight's beer is a tale of two identity crises. The first identity crisis is just a giant mix-up, and is important for understanding tonight's beer. 

It looks like your fortune is changing.

You see, back in January 2014 when MillerCoors announced Miller Fortune, they started talking about how this beer will compete with whiskey and bourbon. 

Brewmaster Manny Manuele was even careful enough to pour the beer into a rocks glass at a press release -- the same type of glass reserved for whiskey. And that's the same glass you see present in the commercials and advertisements for the Miller Fortune.

The Miller Fortune is described as having a more malty, complex flavor, hinting at bourbon.

Wait. What? 

Is this beer bourbon barrel-aged? Is it brewed with oak chips? Is there any whiskey or bourbon connection to this giant malt liquor beverage? 

#GlassWhalez, ISO

The Miller Fortune clocks in at 6.9%. The slight boost in alcohol that you see here is apparently to draw parallel to the high proof of bourbon and whiskey. The beer is also brewed with Cascade hops. But mysteriously absent are any oak or bourbon chips, or any bourbon flavoring. There is none of that here.

In fact, amidst all the hype about Miller's new bourbon-flavored beer after the Fortune was announced, MillerCoors released an official statement:

"Since that story ran, there have been several follow-up stories that inaccurately portray Miller Fortune as being a bourbon-flavored beer," media relations director Jonathan Stern wrote. "That is simply not true." [Source]

So...let's get this straight. Miller Fortune is a bourbon/whiskey-inspired malt liquor that is intended to compete with the bourbon and whiskey market, but it doesn't actually have any connection to bourbon or whiskey except that if you drink lots of it you will get wasted? Okay. I'm listening. Apparently MillerCoors wants me to get really drunk, and then to kill people.

Wait what? Kill people? I guess we should probably talk about the second identity crisis I mentioned. Can someone explain to me what is going on with scary mobster actors trying to sell me alcohol? This is what I'm talking about:

"HEY! Buy our fucking product or we will fucking kill you, and your family, and your dog."

I understand using hot women to sell me beer. I understand using famous black rappers that have put their 'fuck the police' attitude behind them to sell me beer. I even kind of understand using Sherpas to sell me the coldest and most refreshing beer in the world. 

But scary actors who portray scary mobsters? Really? Mark Strong might be a nice guy in real life, but Ray Liotta looks like he could come unhinged at any moment. You better hope there are no 2x4s laying around or he doesn't feel like compressing your skull with his bare hands, because he totally has that look like he could do that. Oh, and by the way, "buy our alcohol product!"

Who the fuck is this supposed to be marketed to?!!?!? Ray Liotta isn't a cool cat, he is fucking scary! 

Anyway...

Shitty Beer Tuesday #8: Miller Fortune

The Miller Fortune pours out into a deep orange, transparent body. It produces excessive amounts of rapidly forming head, to the tune of three-plus fingers. The head gives way to some spotty lacing, and the beer settles into an amber body in bright light. There's carbonation in here too. I don't think my fortune has changed just yet...

The Miller Fortune website is underwhelming, which is why I haven't mentioned it yet. The aroma on this beer is also kind of underwhelming, with cereal and corn malt sweetness present on the nose. I guess the aroma is kind of "amber," if you like to describe the smell of your malt liquor with colors. If you delve into the nose a little further it smells okay. I'm getting some light grassy hops, caramel malts, and some sweet, bread-like malts typical of a lighter Bock. It doesn't smell skunky or overly sweet.

The taste reminds me of malt liquors, and there's a weirdly cloying, sweet, off-putting thing on the finish. It starts out okay up front with big malt sweetness, bready malts, some biscuit, and a little hop balance. The middle is also okay, as the sweetness melds into some nice mild grassy hop notes. The back end is where everything goes to shit, like when the stripper brushes up on you during the lap dance and you end up with that snail trail. You get that blast of booze, fusel alcohol, and sickly gasoline sweetness. It's a really off-putting flavor, and it's reminiscent of terrible libations served in 40oz cans. 

I'm happy to report that this will get your drunk. If that's what you want, you could do worse than to buy this. I'm feeling some nice alcohol warming here. But how does this beer tie into spirits? I don't get it! It's like the Ray Liotta and Mark Strong advertising thing. How is this beer connected to spirits? It tastes like every other shitty malt liquor, only slightly better. It's light-bodied, easy-drinking, and spends quality time on your palate for better or worse. I'm not a sophisticated hobo so I won't talk about complexity. Needless to say, all the bready and hoppy goodness up front and in the middle is ruined in the finish. Bleh.

Rating: Below-Average (2.0/5.0 Untappd)

This is a Strong Below-Average. The only redeeming quality here is that this beer will get you drunk. It's not the worst malt liquor out there...not by a long shot. There's a refined element to this swill that elevates it over a lot of the horrible malt liquors available. But comparing malt liquors is like rating your poo: no one wins. Food pairings here include being homeless or wanting to get wasted. If Mark Strong reads this, hopefully he can nope the fuck out of future advertising deals. I'm sure a real bourbon/whiskey company would pay you to advertise, dude. Also, don't kill me. Please?

Random Thought: Craft beer has a huge bourbon connection. Look at all the bourbon barrel-aged beers available these days. The Miller Fortune is not only a bad beer, but it is poorly conceived in terms of its advertising and purpose. MillerCoors is way behind the eight-ball. These guys don't get it. And that's a shame, because I still enjoy the occasional Miller High Life. 

Even though this beer is hella cheap, I probably wouldn't buy it again. Maybe if it came in a 40...at 6.9%, I can do similar damage with a good tasting IPA. If I want to get wasted, the aforementioned 40s will do the trick. Take note, MillerCoors. 

Yuengling Traditional Lager

Brewed By: Yuengling Brewery in Pottsville, Pennsylvania
Purchased: 12oz bottle from a 12-pack that was gifted to me; not sure where it was purchased (possibly Oh hi, Oh!); 2012
Style/ABV: Pale Lager, 4.4%, 4.9%? Who knows.

Reported IBUs: ?

WIKKKKKIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEDOOOOOO

A review of Yuengling Traditional Lager? Why? Because....it's Tuesday, and I was getting that itch. For...Shitty Beer Tuesday! Except, I don't know if it's fair to throw Yuengling Brewery into the ring. According to Wikpezza, Yuengling is tied with the Boston Beer Company as the largest American-owned brewery. Oh, and Yuengling is America's oldest brewery. According to Wiiiiipedia, it's pronounced "Ying-Ling. That's German for "young man," and not Chinese import for "shitty to average beer." Oh, and their logo is an Eagle. According to WIIIIIZZZZZZARRDPEDIA.

I usually do the history on the breweries, but Wiki-wiki-stylie has a pretty decent breakdown. But so does the Yuengling website. I guess the story starts with David G. Yuengling, who immigrated from Wurttenberg, Germany to live in the coal-mining town of Pottsville, Pennsylvania. In 1829, David decided to open the Eagle Brewery, only to see it burned down by a fire two years later. David decided to build a new brewery, and in 1873 the brewery changed its name to D.G. Yuengling & Son to commemorate the partnership between David and his son, Frederick. The next 20 years were a bit of a drag; in 1877 David Yuengling died, and in 1899 Frederick Yuengling died. The brewery was then passed on  to Frederick's son, Frank. During prohibition, the brewery survived by selling "near beer," or according to HARRRY UR A WIZZZZZARRRRD, low-alcohol beer. Following the passing of Frank D. Yuengling in 1963, the brewery was survived by Richard L. and F. Dohrman. In 1985, Richard L. Yuengling Jr. purchased the company and became the president, and during the 1990s and early 2000s, the brewery saw massive expansion. In 2010, Yuengling surpassed 2 million barrels. Yuengling continues to grow, and is one of America's most popular breweries. For more info, check out the Yuengling history page, or go to WIKIKIKIKIKI.

Yuengling makes a number of beers, but their flagship is definitely their Traditional Lager. The Yuengling website has this to say about their Traditional Lager: "famous for its rich amber color and medium-bodied flavor -- with roasted caramel malt for a subtle sweetness and a combination of cluster and cascade hops, this true original delivers a well-balanced taste with very distinct character." The paraphrased version is 'something something you can drink 12 in one night and piss excellence.' Let's glass this up.

Not Shitty Beer Tuesday??? #8: Yuengling Traditional Lager

Balla...I have no respect.

This beer, mad skills. The beer pours with 3-fingers of amber tinted head, and a transparent, filtered body that is copper/amber. When held to a bright light, the beer has a nice dark copper/amber color. There's some head hanging around, picking up 'dem copper tones, and leaving some respectable lacing. You can see the carbonation in the form of mid-sized bubbles. Eye of an eagle.

For a lighter Lager, this has a solid aroma profile. Would smell again. You get some bread/biscuit, cereal, and honey. This is mostly malt, but rounds out with some floral and earthy hop aromas. Maybe a dash of grass or lemon.

This is fairly crisp, refreshing  and drinkable. You do get some cereal graininess in the taste, along with a hint of bread/toast, and there is some nice grass/light lemon hop kick to clean things up. This has a bit of that "harshness" going on, like you would find in a English Ale with hard water. There's that touch of mineral/sulfur. 

Refreshing...drinkable...smooth and creamy, and supported by lively carbonation, this is a beer that beckons you to have more than one. Or maybe that's just the alcoholism talking. This is light-bodied, has decent complexity for the style, and has good palate depth. This sort of reminds me of a Kölsch or a Dortmunder. Up front is refreshing, cereal, grains; this rolls into hints of fruit, grassy hops; the finish is honey, lingering cereal, sweet malts. A touch dry? But refreshing.

WIKICHHHEEEEEEETTTTTTTAAAAAAHHHH

Rating: Above-Average

I'm feeling a Light Above-Average on this. This PROBABLY doesn't belong on Shitty Beer Tuesday, but I'm not a calender wizard. It's Tuesday!!! There's not a lot going on here, but there isn't a lot to complain about. This doesn't have any skunk, and you get some solid malt goodness and some solid hop balance. But you know that. I mean, why am I even reviewing this? Exactly. Food pairings: the bar, the food at the bar, the skank you pick up at the bar, the bouncer you punch at the b....wait, this isn't Stella. 

Random Thought: According to WIKICHHHEEEEEEETTTTTTTAAAAAAHHHH, Yuengling is the oldest brewery in America. DO YOU UNDERSTAND. THEY ARE AMERICA'S OLDEST BREWERY. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION. WIKIAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Shitty Beer Tuesday #7: Dos Equis XX Special Lager

Brewed By: FEMSA - Cervecería Cuauhtémoc-Moctezuma (Heineken) in Monterrey, Nuevo León, Mexico

Purchased: Single 12oz bottle from a 6-pack bought at Binny's in IL; 2012

Style/ABV: Standard American Lager, 4.45%

 

Nothing says shitty beer like Dos Equis. That is "Two Xs" for you folks who did not take Spanish. Tres Equis is for when you want to go to the strip club. For advanced Spanish, you can practice ordering a Dos Equis at the Tres Equis.

According to Wikipedia, today's beer is owned by the brewery Cuauhtémoc-Moctezuma, and the brewery is Heineken International's bitch. That makes this beer part of the Big Three Axis of Evil. The Cuauhtémoc brewery actually seems to have humble roots, so take a trip to Wikipedia to read about the brewery's history. I usually go into history, but as with many things involving Mexico and history, there is a whole lot of stuff going. The key points is that the brewery was founded in 1890 as an independent brewery. It went through quite a bit of turmoil, and part of it was sold to John Labatt Ltd. of Canada in 1994. On January 11, 2010, the brewery fell into the hands of Heineken.  

Unfortunately, I haven't done a Shitty Beer Tuesday in a while. I'm feeling a bit rusty, so I have asked a special guest to help me review this shitty beer. Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce: The Most Interesting Man In The World. 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: I do not introduce myself, I am introduced by others.

 

Jon: ...

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Regarding self pleasure: I never need an extra hand.

 

Jon:  Umm, can you tell us about today's beer?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: The operator dials "zero" for me.

 

Jon: If I understand you correctly, you don't always drink beer? 

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Yes. I also drink Tequila and Coffee. I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Why do you think my blood smells like cologne? Alcohol runs through my veins! I piss cologne-smelling excellence.

 

Jon: You mean...blood?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Yes....

 

Jon: Uh...huh. Okay. So Dos Equis, this is what? A 4.45% ABV Standard American Lager? Can we pop a bottle of this stuff and see what it looks like?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Every time I open a bottle of beer, dolphins appear!

 

Jon: I can't tell if that is a good thing or a tragedy. Those poor dolphins. Anyway, would you care to describe this beer?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: What is there to describe? This beer pours a clear golden color. It is watery, golden, and transparent. You could spy on a changing woman through this beer. There are a ton of rising bubbles; big fat bubbles. And there was one-finger of super white head. But the head dissolved pretty quickly. 

 

More importantly, every time I fart an angel gets its wings.

 

Jon: Ladies and gentleman!...the most interesting man in the world. I'm surprised a man as intriguing as yourself loves such a typical looking Standard American Lager.

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Didn't you hear? My legend precedes me like lightning precedes thunder. Who needs beer!

 

Jon: I have to ask. How many women have you bedded?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Should I count the escorts?

 

Jon: There were escorts?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: There were....

 

Jon: Okay! Moving on...how does this beer smell?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Like aluminum, sweet caramel malts, hints of grain, and maybe a faded touch of grape or apple.

 

Jon: I would agree with that. 

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: And it tastes about the same. Sweet caramel, grain, aluminum, and hints of apple and apple juice. I also added my own "special brand to the beer."

 

Jon: Is your "special brand" that nasty skunk/sulfur note I am picking up on?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Yes! You must drink this beer cold. Once, I punched a polar bear.

 

Jon: You punched a polar bear?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Yes. And then I taught the Eskimos how to play Poker.

 

Jon: I would love to play poker with...

 

Dos Equis XX Special Lager

The Most Interesting Man In The World: You are not worthy.

 

Jon: Oh....well....can you tell me how the beer holds up in terms of mouthfeel, complexity, and drinkability?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: Yes. This is a light, overly-carbonated, super drinkable macro lager. This is refreshing, and has okay palate depth. This is not complex. There is a slightly sulfur or skunk note in the back that really disrupts this beer's drinkability. Kind of like Budweiser. You get carbonation, grain, and aluminum on the front; the middle is hints of apple, grain and water; the back end is lingering grain and aluminum, and that cloying and sweet sulfur note.

 

Jon: So can we agree that this beer is better than Budweiser, but not by much?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: I made the Ecuadorian Army agree.

 

Jon: Okay...well, here is my idea for a score:

 

Rating: Average

Score: 54%  

 

Jon: Do you have any other interesting tidbits to share before we go?

 

The Most Interesting Man In The World: I can speak French in Russian! And I don't always take a dump at the airport, but when I do...I use the handicapped stall! 

 

Jon: Okay! Okay! I think that is a little too much information. I think it is time to say goodbye. Until next time...The Most Interesting Man In The World.

  

The Most Interesting Man In The World: I don't always say goodbye, but when I do make sure to steal your shoes before I leave.

 

And...that is it folks. Until the next Shitty Beer Tuesday. I'm sure we will see The Most Interesting Man In The World again...  

Shitty Beer Tuesday #6: Coors Light

Brewed By: Coors Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Golden, Colorado

Purchased: Single, big-ass, bomber can (24oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Ale/Lite American Lager, 4.2%

Another week...another shitty beer. Thanks to Miller's "man up" advertising campaign, I feel like another round of shit-slinging is needed. Miller and Coors are of course one and the same. The two companies are going to finally merge...or are they already merged? Who the fuck knows; it's hard to keep track of the business side of big beer. What is clear is that the larger international company, SABMiller, is at the top of the food chain, with smaller regional companies like MillerCoors turning out beer.

Coors Light has been my preferred cheap beer of choice for a long time. I swear this stuff tastes pretty decent, especially coming from a bottle. But Coors Light is also the most gimmicky beer on earth. This is the beer that is "frost brewed" and transported to your local grocery store by an ice train driven by scantly clad women. This is the beer with "cold activated" mountains. This beer is colder than Ice Cube. This beer is so full of shit it could only be served in Coor's "Silver Bullet" can.

"I thought it said Coors!"

Today I want to address an issue that I brought up last week during my Shitty Beer Review of Miller Lite: beer commercials. But before I launch into my commercial rant, I want to point out the best thing that Coors Light has done: sponsored one of my favorite TV shows, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The gang on It's Always Sunny are constantly drinking Coors, talking about Coors, or boldly displaying Coors-branded stuff. In one episode, Charlie mistakes a "Closed" sign for a "Coors" sign. Hilarity ensues. So, I guess....thank you Coors Light. That is the one example of good advertising from Coors. Beer advertising is bookoo bucks, and millions of dollars are spent each year on advertising beer. So I want to take a brief moment to reflect on some of my favorite and least favorite beer commercials, and look at who makes them.

Beer Commercials

The Good:

• Bud Light's real men of genius commercials are hilarious, as evident by this. 
• Bud Light Swear Jar. This is the best commercial ever, I literally laughed out loud. "**** you Bob." "Ha, **** you, Jim!" 
• Budweiser Frogs 
• Bud Lizards
• Bud Light Fridge Tunnel. "AHHHHHHHHH" 
• Bud Light Hawk. This hawk is my hero. 
• Coors Light Coach series. These are funny, but they lose their comedy potential with repeat viewings.

The Bad:

• Budweiser WAAAAZZZZUUUUPPPP. Seriously, fuck this joke. 
• Coors "Love Train" Light. Cold, hard, and made out of steel. More like the Coors dildo.
• Most Miller commercials. "Triple Hops." "Great taste." Blah blah, where the hell is the funny?
  

The Ugly: 

• ALL the Miller Lite "Man Up" commercials. These commercials are sexist, homophobic, homoerotic, racist, stupid, and not funny. 

You're probably wondering where I am going with all this. Maybe you're thinking, so what? These are beer commercials, who gives a shit. But there's a really interesting trend if you look at the most memorable and funny beer commercials. The real funny commercials are for Bud Light and Budweiser beers. Anheuser-Busch is doing something right with their advertising department. The Bud Light Swear Jar is the funniest fucking beer commercial I have seen in America in a long time. Meanwhile, MillerCoors is busy advertising Triple Hops and calling everyone a homo who doesn't drink Miller Lite. Strange times, right? 

Let's see how Coors Light stacks up compared to the Miller Lite and the other Pale Lagers out there. I need a beer break anyway.

*    *    *    *    *    *

Again, I opted for the over-sized can instead of a 6-pack. I actually don't mind sessioning Coors Light, and I was tempted to pick up a sixer, but I purchased this bomber with the Miller Lite bomber so I figured let's save a few dollars. 

First off, props for calling it Coors Light and not Lite. Lite is a slang word, and that fact is something that people seem to be rapidly forgetting. The beer pours a golden-clear color. This one isn't quite as watery looking as the Miller Lite, and has an okay gold-yellow color. There is a lot of carbonation in this beer as evident by the big bubbles rising upwards and the crackling carbonation during the pour. The head is white and quickly dissolved from 2-fingers to nothing in about 10 seconds after the pour. There is absolute no head on the beer, but still a ton of rising carbonation. 

12 ounces of Coors Light nets you around 105 calories. That means 24 ounces of this stuff only sets you back 210 calories. Some Imperial Stouts push 300+ calories per 12 ounces. But is the calorie deficit worth it?

Coors Light

The Aroma on the Coors Light is corn/rice adjunct big time, some white bread, grain, maybe some very very subtle hop notes (tea-like hops, maybe lemon?), and a soft and subtle metallic/metal note. There's no fruitiness (DMS, Apples, etc.) or cloying/astringent smells, so the nose is pretty clean. 

The taste is grainy with some white bread notes, lots of rounded green apple notes, corn/rice adjunct flavors, mineral water, and some sweetness but not your typical cardboard-caramel or cereal sweetness you often get in Pale Lagers. Although watery, I find this beer to have good bread and apple notes without the obnoxious sweet notes corn/rice adjuncts often give off (I'm looking at you, Budweiser....). There's very very mild hop notes imparting some lemony flavors in the background.  As the beer warms up I do taste a little cereal-cardboard, but no cloying or astringent notes found here.

Rating: Above-Average
Score: 83%

Despite the gimmicks and the shitty advertising, this is one of the better Light Pale Lagers/Lite American Lagers. There is good flavor here, especially for 105 calories per 12 ounces. This beer is light on the mouthfeel, watery, not remotely complex, but has okay depth on the palate for the style. There's actually a lot more flavor here compared to Miller Lite. The front end is carbonated, sweet, and grainy. The middle rolls into rice/corn, white bread, and apples. The back end is more adjunct and grain and finishes refreshingly.

This is a good, cheap beer to drink with pizza or bar food, to play drinking games with, to get drunk by, or just to kick back with on a hot day after mowing your lawn or while watching a baseball game. Sometimes you want a beer like this. 

*    *    *    *    *    * 

Compared to Budweiser or even Heineken, I find Coors Light to be fairly clean and restrained. Budweiser might have a leg-up in making funny beer commercials, but Budweiser is nasty shit when it warms up or if you have to drink more than 2 of them. You can drink 12 Coors Lights in a night, and still sort of feel like a champ. You might have a headache the next day, but that comes with the territory.

I just need to end with one last thing. I want to go over all the Coors gimmicks:

Super Cold Activation - There are two stages of cold. "Cold" and "Super Cold." The beer turns "Cold" when the beer is below 39 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm not sure how cold the beer is when it is "Super Cold," but anything below 39 is impossible to taste because it numbs your taste buds. Is this an admission that Coors tastes like shit when it warms up? Well, most Pale Lagers taste like shit when they hit warm temperatures, so drink 'em cold. But below 39 is ridiculous.

Vented Wide Mouth - My can says it has a "Vented Wide Mouth." There is a little vent thing and the hole in the can is a little bigger than your standard can. I guess this helps you drink the beer more quickly, or it allows you to fuck the can if you are packing below-average heat. I doubt it helps with taste, and you really should pour your beer into a glass anyway. At least Coors knows its target demographic: underage fratboys who are going to chug beer. Here's some advice for all the bro-douche-frat bags out there: punch a hole in the bottom of the can and shotgun that shit like a man. This should be negative points to Coors for making the frat-douche experience less fun.

Frost Brew Liner - I guess this liner on the can protects the beer or keeps it cold or something? It sounds like Coors is just making shit up at this point. I was with you guys on the Blue Mountains and the Wide Mouth, but what the fuck is a Frost Brew Liner?

The Verdict: MillerCoors are one and the same. Miller advertises their beer by attacking your manliness. They also advertise "great taste, less filling" and "triple hop brewed." It's all bullshit. Coors is the other side of the bullshit coin with their "our beer is so fucking cold and it is delivered on a silver train!" Both beers are predicated on gimmicky bullshit instead of actual brewing techniques, and it's a damn shame that Budweiser tastes like shit and Coors Light doesn't, because I would love to throw Coors under the bus. At least Budweiser makes funny commercials.

I've gone on for long enough. Coors Light actually tastes okay, but do you want to support MillerCoors and their unfunny, gimmicky advertising by purchasing their beer? What option does Joe-average really have? Budweiser tastes like shit, and not many craft breweries are turning out Pale Lagers. I'll be getting some Bud Light soon to see how it stacks up compared to Miller Light and Coors Light. In the meantime, enjoy your Shitty Beer!

Shitty Beer Tuesday #5: Miller Lite

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Purchased: Single, big-ass, bomber can (24oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Ale/Lite American Lager, 4.2%

If you put this up your ass, you might need to "man up."

Advertising works. If it did not work we would not be sitting here right now. I was planning on waiting one more week to review a Shitty Beer, but Miller Lite's "man up" commercials have invaded radio. "Man up" is Miller's new approach to advertising. Drink our lite beer, otherwise you are a homo. Nice Miller...nice.

It's no secret that beer advertising is sexist, misogynistic, and targeted towards men. In some countries beer is advertised with scantly clad women, topless girls, and boobs. But here in America, we advertise our beer by showing commercials with a bunch of guys camping; and then someone from the camping sausage-fest makes a comment about how gay we are for not drinking Miller Lite. How homoerotic is that!!! The real icing on the cake is that at the end of the commercial, we see three of the males pulling a prank on the "non-manly" male. To me, this final scene conjures up images of homoerotic male culture; tea-bagging, carrot-up-the-ass type stuff.

So let me just clarify:

A bunch of guys camping = gay.

Boobs = not gay.

It doesn't matter what beer you are drinking, a bunch of dudes camping is pretty gay. At least in the UK they advertise by showing tits in their beer commercials. If you want to look at the height of irony, look at Super Bowl XXXVIII. During the halftime show, Janet Jackson's tit popped out. People flipped shit. A boob on TV is a national crisis in America. But manning up and drinking Miller Lite...you fucking homo...is totally okay.

"piss beach"

As a football fan, I have to ask: how much longer do I have to put up with these lame commercials? It would be one thing if they were funny, but they are not. I love beer commercials. But it seems like we have not had a genuinely funny beer commercial in a long time. What happened to the Budweiser frogs, or the Budweiser hawk, or the Budweiser fridge tunnel? Wait a minute: I'm pretty sure the only company that actually makes funny beer commercials is Budweiser. Coors and Miller are too busy trying to one-up each other with stupid gimmicks. "Triple hopped for maximum straightness." Really Miller? You do realize that every beer uses "triple hopping." You bastards. I'd rather be on piss beach than drinking a Miller "triple hopped" product. 

Just give up, Miller. Coors already won. They have blue mountains.

So here is my review, all spiteful and whatnot: 

Yes, I bought the giant can. No, I didn't buy the giant can to feel more manly. I could not stand to buy a 6-pack of this crap. This beer pours like a lite beer. This beer is foamy and super carbonated. There is a giant white head comprised of thin white bubbles. The head hangs around for about 10 seconds and fizzles out leaving some foam and bubbles on the surface of the beer. The body is kind of yellow. Under low light it actually looks like water. This is a transparent, filtered, carbonated beer, with almost no color. The fact that there is some lacing and that there are surface bubbles means two things:

1) I am stunned.

2) This beer has better presentation than Budweiser. Budweiser is truly the king of shitty beers. 

Yellow water. 100 calories.

I smell light corn, light grain, and maybe a touch of green apple or caramel. I taste grain, water, and some sweet caramel. Because this is a lite beer, it is not going to put hair on your chest. It is not going to make you manly. Real men take shots of whiskey after they put their cigarette out in it. 

Seriously, lite beer is - hands down - the most retarded invention for beer. 12 ounces of Miller Lite will almost net you 100 calories. 12 ounces of Guinness Draft will net you approximately 130 calories. 30 calories is the difference between drinking something that tastes like water and corn, or something that actually tastes like barley, flavor, and beer. If you really need to diet, then don't drink beer. If you are just watching your calories, drink a better beer and put down the cheeseburger. Drinking lite beer is like ordering a Diet Coke with your Big Mac combo: you look like a tool and everyone is secretly judging you when you drive away.

The nicest thing I can say about this beer is that it is light, refreshing, and drinkable. The worst thing is that there is almost no flavor. I know...this style is inherently light...it's a Lite American Lager. But still. Coors Light is better than this. On the front of your palate is carbonation, sweet malt, and corn. Corn rides through the middle and the back, and the beer ends refreshing. There is no complexity and no depth. Duh.

Rating: Below-Average

Score: 37%

Let me tell you about my experience at the the University of Miller.

University of Miller

Things That Make You Gay 101: going to the bathroom with your male friend, drinking a non-Miller lite beer, screaming while you are fishing, skinny jeans.

Beer Gimmicks 100: taste protector lid, triple hop brewing, vortex bottles.

Since Miller lost the gimmick war to Coors, they have decided to roll out their offensive, homophobic, homoerotic, and racist "man up" commercials. So now when I am watching football, or listening to the radio, I have to endure these horribly unfunny commercials. It's an embarrassing state of affairs, and Miller should be ashamed. These commercials support the douche bag, fratboy culture that binge-drinks, date-rapes, and has no taste in beer. 

Oh, Yeaahh!

Taste: that is the real downfall here. This isn't a manly beer. A manly beer has hops. A manly beer has flavor. A manly beer packs a mean ABV and some IBUs. When I picture a manly beer, I imagine Stone Brewing's Gargoyle smashing through the bar like the Kool-Aid guy, and punching some Miller-drinking bro-douche in the face. That is manly. This is just a weak beer.

But I'm done. I have nothing else to say. Miller High Life is a respectable light beer, and that is what I would recommend you drink if you need to get your Miller fix. But I cannot support Miller Lite and I cannot stand the "man up" advertisements. I will rip my penis off in a fit of rage before I convert to Miller Lite.

Avoid this swill and boycott the lame, unfunny, and offensive advertisements. 

Shitty Beer Tuesday #4: Miller High Life

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Purchased: Single, big-ass, bomber can (25.4oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Ale/American Lager, 4.7%

Why do college students by cheap beer? The answer is because they are poor. What is better than a 24-pack? Correct, a 30-pack. Are fraternities just socially acceptable vehicles that support date rape and bad behavior? Broseph, I don't have an answer.

Shitty Beer: not just for bros

At some point in time, you maybe went to college. If you did, there is a good chance you drank beer. And if you did drink beer, there is a good chance that it had the word "lite" towards the end of the title. Today's shitty beer is "The Champagne of Beers." This is not some unofficial slogan made up by the homeless dude on the corner who was just able to swindle a dollar out of you and go buy a 40. No, this is actually official marketing from the folks at Miller.

Miller High Life has been around since 1903. The beer's famous slogan came about because the beer is so carbonated and bubbly that it is "The Champagne of Beers." This beer was originally only available in miniature champagne bottles, and was one of the premier "high-end" beers in the country. It is amazing how this beer went from being premier, to a 7-11 beer that college kids buy in 30-packs to chug while playing beer pong. This beer is king at the beer pong table, among bros, and the homeless. How the mighty have fallen...or has it?

Miller High Life

I'm not going to indulge and pour this beer into a Champagne flute or anything like that. But this beer pours a nice golden-clear color that is quite carbonated. There is a bubbly head that has thin bubbles and is very very white. The body is clear and clean, and the head is not only hanging around sort of decently, but it is leaving some lacing.

The aroma on the nose is very clean and sort of boring. I get a lot of rice and grain, and a sweet note like apple. 

There isn't a lot going on as far as flavors go, but there is something going on. First off, there is a lot of that thin rice/grain note. There is also light fruity esters, along the lines of apple, like I was smelling on the nose. This is pretty neutral in terms of cloying (Budweiser) or more sour/bitter (Heineken). Some of the sweetness in this takes on a slight honey or corn syrup note, and there is a touch of cereal or sweet malt in here as well.

This is light-bodied, crisp, refreshing, and super drinkable! At 4.7%, you might need a few of these to get drunk, but you could easily pound a few of these back if you needed to. The only thing stopping you is...*belch*...all that carbonation. This is not a complex beer, but then it is a pale lager. It has a good mouthfeel that has good depth for the style and isn't cloying or bitter. The front end is carbonated and full of sweet esters like cereal, malts, honey and apples. The middle is smooth and that is where I am getting some grain and rice. The back end is grain and rice and finishes crisp.

Oh, and this is from a can, and not a green fucking bottle. This isn't going to be contaminated by the sun.

Rating: Above-Average
Score: 79%

High Life > Budweiser

That's right, bitches. 79%. Above-Average. Look, I'm a total beer geek. I love hops, I love over-the-top ABVs, I love all the crazy stuff going on with craft beer these days. But sometimes you need to get back to the basics. As far as I am concerned, this is one of Miller's most unadulterated beers. I don't see Miller advertising this beer with commercials that are attacking how manly I am, or talking about their Vortex neck on their bottle, or telling me how the Rocky Mountains turn blue on the bottle when the beer is cold enough to drink.

This beer is a business beer. This is a beer you drink when you want to drink a high volume of beer. This is a beer pong beer. This is a hot summer day beer to drink after mowing your lawn. This beer has enough flavors that aren't cloying (Budweiser, Stella) and still tastes pretty good.

This beer has a good palate, looks good when you pour it, has a decently lasting head for the style, has lacing, and is cheap. You can drink 10 of these in one night (I speak from experience), and a 30 pack of this stuff runs between 14 and 18 bucks. To put that in perspective, at 14 bucks, that is less than 50 cents a can. That is a steal.  

Miller High Life is one of my preferred standard American Lagers.

Shitty Beer Tuesday #3: Stella Artois

I hate Stella. Not just because it is a mediocre beer, or owned by A-B InBev, but because it is an overpriced beer masquerading as a quality Belgian brew. This is going to get shitty fast, so brace yourself. 

Brewed By: A-B InBev (InBev Belgium) in Leuven, Belgium

Purchased: Single bomber (22.4oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Lager/Premium American Lager, 5.2%

Pronounced Stella "Are-twa," or "Arrrr-twa" if you are a pirate with down syndrome, Stella is a beer that is all appearance and no class. From the fancy label on the bottle to the classy Super Bowl commercial starring Adrien Brody, this beer is trying everything to get you to spend your hard earned cash. I am a sad beer drinker because I have seen Stella being consumed in popular current movies (I'm pretty sure Jennifer Aniston was drinking Stella in that recent Adam Sandler movie, Just Go With It), and Stella advertisements are popping up everywhere. This beer is basically Budweiser or Heineken dressed up, so I don't get its appeal. I do not understand the inflated price of this beer compared to other go-to pale lagers. 

But the real moment of fleeting hilarity came while I was shopping for some beer in downtown Chicago. As I was walking through Jewel's lackluster beer aisle, I saw their "Belgian beer section." This included a handful of Belgian-style beers, including one of my absolute favorites: Duvel. Sitting boldly next to the Duvel bomber, and among the other Belgian ales, was a 22.4oz bottle of Stella. Putting Stella, a pale lager, next to a bunch of Belgian ales is something you notice. It's like a white person at the Apollo, or a girl who is a 4 standing next to a bunch of 8s.

Analogy time: Stella is on the left

This got me thinking: Was Stella situated next to Duvel because the guy stocking the beer at Jewel-Osco doesn't care about beer? Or is this a brilliant marketing ploy by A-B InBev to bolster the appearance of a pretty average pale lager. I'm going with the second theory. 

I'll summarize key points about the beer's history and some interesting facts. All this information can be found at Wikipedia. Basically the beer has been in production since 1926. The beer began as a seasonal Christmas beer, became popular enough to get exported to Europe, and the rest is shitty beer history. Despite the high price of the beer, UK Advertisements have tried to condition consumers into buying into the hype by using the slogan "Reassuringly Expensive." That does sound a lot better than "Stella will rape your wallet so hard your ass will hurt for weeks." 

Stellllaaaa!!! (not French)

It makes sense to jump on this marketing strategy: inflating prices seems to fool the general public. It has worked to sell Hummers, name-brand drugs, and everything Apple. The most recent advert for Stella came during the 2011 Super Bowl. The 2011 Adrien Brody Super Bowl commercial (you can see it on Youtube) was criticized by the folks in Belgian for giving the impression that Stella is French. The take home message that I get from this is that the Belgians hate the French. I guess everyone hates the French.

Hilariously, Stella was apparently linked with aggression and binge-drinking in the UK, and received the nickname "wife beater." I'm no beer sociologist, but does anyone see recurring trends with pale lagers? Budweiser and rednecks in meth labs; Fosters and rednecks with belt buckles; Stella and rednecks who beat their wives. Of course correlation does not imply causation, and I'm mostly joking anyway.

Anyway, that's enough shit-slinging for now. This highly biased review must move forward, so let's see what all the hype is about.

Before I dive in I'll point out that the BJCP doesn't just throw Stella into the pale lager category like Ratebeer and BeerAdvocate do. Apparently Stella is a "Premium American Lager" instead of qualifying as a "Standard American Lager." According to the BJCP, the difference is that Stella and other Premium American Lagers use fewer adjuncts.

Stella pours in a pretty standard affair. I did pour it into a 16-oz glass, so everything is super-sized, including the head. This beer is pale golden in color, completely see-through (like water), and full of bubbly carbonation. A lot of carbonation is rising upwards. This beer yields a big 2-finger white head that is a lot thicker and has more foam than the Budweiser and Foster's I tackled the past two weeks. The fact that the head is still hanging around a few minutes after the pour and that it is leaving some lacing on my glass is truly incredible. I'll make sure to report back on its progress. 

The first note I got when opening the cap of this beer was mild skunk notes. Beer's number one enemy is light, and beer's best protector is a brown bottle or a can. Green bottles are the second best way to store beer, only edging out clear bottles. Despite being better than clear bottles, beer from a green bottle may have a skunk quality due to exposure to light. The skunk smell I am getting from the bottle may or may not be a contamination, as slight skunk notes are often a characteristic to pale lagers. The good news is that the skunk note isn't really showing up in my glass. I am smelling a lot of sweet grain, and maybe some sour notes like sour apple. It's a clean nose, and I'm happy to report the "skunk" note isn't present after the pour.

Stella Arrrrr-Twa: shitty beer dressed up

I have 22.4oz of this stuff here, so this isn't just a review, it's an event. I have some Bold Party Chex Mix here, which seems like an appropriate compliment to this beer. There isn't a lot going on with this beer anyway. Stella Artois kind of rides the line between Budweiser's slightly cloying sweet character and Heineken's pale/bitter character. There's a lot of light grain in the profile, with a slight bitterness. There is some grass and maybe some light hints of an apple note. I'm also getting a nice malty roundness which isn't too assertive but works.

This is a super light, crisp, and refreshing beer. This is easy-drinking, but doesn't really have any depth. I guess for its style it has some depth as the malty quality plays with some of the grain and hop notes. But pale lagers aren't supposed to be deep or complex. On the front end is a lot of carbonation and grain; the grain rolls into the malt, in the middle, which plays against some of the hops; and the back end is crisp and pretty refreshing. 

Rating: Average

Score: 67%

Dammit. As much as I hate this beer, this is actually a pretty middle-of-the-road pale lager. It is still mediocre in a lot of ways, but for the style it is something I will likely drink again and have had many times. It seems like there is no escaping Stella. Stttttteeeeelllllllaaaa!!!!

First off, I'm amazed at the lacing. There is lacing on my glass from top to bottom. Second, there is a solid coating of bubbles forming something barely resembling a head. This weak-ass head is still miles ahead of the curve when compared to Budweiser or Fosters.

But now the caveats. The main one is price. This shit is expensive and for no good reason other than "expensive implies quality." Expensive doesn't always imply quality, and unfortunately in this case it is hard to justify a 6-er or 12-pack of this stuff when you can pick up something in the same price range that is much, much better. If you are going to buy Stella Artois, buy it on sale or in the form of single bottle bombers. 

Which brings me to the second biggest caveat with this beer. If you drink this beer warm, or if you let your glass of beer sit out for a bit, it will skunk FAST. Stella seems to skunk at record breaking speeds, and is best consumed at a moderately chilled (not frozen, just refrigerated) temperature. This beer also weighs on you, and I personally cannot drink more than one or two of these before some of the "skunky" notes become bothersome. 

I guess lastly, this beer is an A-B InBev beer. That's also a good reason to not buy this beer and support your local brewry. So in conclusion, Stella is an okay Pale Lager, but it's price does not justify the beer. Also, Stella is not a Belgian Ale and I wish it would quit posturing as such. Stella may be king when it comes to Shitty Beer Tuesday, but even a dressed up shitty beer is still a shitty beer.

So until next week's Shitty Beer Tuesday: cheers.