Shitty Beer Tuesday #5: Miller Lite

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Purchased: Single, big-ass, bomber can (24oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Ale/Lite American Lager, 4.2%

If you put this up your ass, you might need to "man up."

Advertising works. If it did not work we would not be sitting here right now. I was planning on waiting one more week to review a Shitty Beer, but Miller Lite's "man up" commercials have invaded radio. "Man up" is Miller's new approach to advertising. Drink our lite beer, otherwise you are a homo. Nice Miller...nice.

It's no secret that beer advertising is sexist, misogynistic, and targeted towards men. In some countries beer is advertised with scantly clad women, topless girls, and boobs. But here in America, we advertise our beer by showing commercials with a bunch of guys camping; and then someone from the camping sausage-fest makes a comment about how gay we are for not drinking Miller Lite. How homoerotic is that!!! The real icing on the cake is that at the end of the commercial, we see three of the males pulling a prank on the "non-manly" male. To me, this final scene conjures up images of homoerotic male culture; tea-bagging, carrot-up-the-ass type stuff.

So let me just clarify:

A bunch of guys camping = gay.

Boobs = not gay.

It doesn't matter what beer you are drinking, a bunch of dudes camping is pretty gay. At least in the UK they advertise by showing tits in their beer commercials. If you want to look at the height of irony, look at Super Bowl XXXVIII. During the halftime show, Janet Jackson's tit popped out. People flipped shit. A boob on TV is a national crisis in America. But manning up and drinking Miller Lite...you fucking homo...is totally okay.

"piss beach"

As a football fan, I have to ask: how much longer do I have to put up with these lame commercials? It would be one thing if they were funny, but they are not. I love beer commercials. But it seems like we have not had a genuinely funny beer commercial in a long time. What happened to the Budweiser frogs, or the Budweiser hawk, or the Budweiser fridge tunnel? Wait a minute: I'm pretty sure the only company that actually makes funny beer commercials is Budweiser. Coors and Miller are too busy trying to one-up each other with stupid gimmicks. "Triple hopped for maximum straightness." Really Miller? You do realize that every beer uses "triple hopping." You bastards. I'd rather be on piss beach than drinking a Miller "triple hopped" product. 

Just give up, Miller. Coors already won. They have blue mountains.

So here is my review, all spiteful and whatnot: 

Yes, I bought the giant can. No, I didn't buy the giant can to feel more manly. I could not stand to buy a 6-pack of this crap. This beer pours like a lite beer. This beer is foamy and super carbonated. There is a giant white head comprised of thin white bubbles. The head hangs around for about 10 seconds and fizzles out leaving some foam and bubbles on the surface of the beer. The body is kind of yellow. Under low light it actually looks like water. This is a transparent, filtered, carbonated beer, with almost no color. The fact that there is some lacing and that there are surface bubbles means two things:

1) I am stunned.

2) This beer has better presentation than Budweiser. Budweiser is truly the king of shitty beers. 

Yellow water. 100 calories.

I smell light corn, light grain, and maybe a touch of green apple or caramel. I taste grain, water, and some sweet caramel. Because this is a lite beer, it is not going to put hair on your chest. It is not going to make you manly. Real men take shots of whiskey after they put their cigarette out in it. 

Seriously, lite beer is - hands down - the most retarded invention for beer. 12 ounces of Miller Lite will almost net you 100 calories. 12 ounces of Guinness Draft will net you approximately 130 calories. 30 calories is the difference between drinking something that tastes like water and corn, or something that actually tastes like barley, flavor, and beer. If you really need to diet, then don't drink beer. If you are just watching your calories, drink a better beer and put down the cheeseburger. Drinking lite beer is like ordering a Diet Coke with your Big Mac combo: you look like a tool and everyone is secretly judging you when you drive away.

The nicest thing I can say about this beer is that it is light, refreshing, and drinkable. The worst thing is that there is almost no flavor. I know...this style is inherently light...it's a Lite American Lager. But still. Coors Light is better than this. On the front of your palate is carbonation, sweet malt, and corn. Corn rides through the middle and the back, and the beer ends refreshing. There is no complexity and no depth. Duh.

Rating: Below-Average

Score: 37%

Let me tell you about my experience at the the University of Miller.

University of Miller

Things That Make You Gay 101: going to the bathroom with your male friend, drinking a non-Miller lite beer, screaming while you are fishing, skinny jeans.

Beer Gimmicks 100: taste protector lid, triple hop brewing, vortex bottles.

Since Miller lost the gimmick war to Coors, they have decided to roll out their offensive, homophobic, homoerotic, and racist "man up" commercials. So now when I am watching football, or listening to the radio, I have to endure these horribly unfunny commercials. It's an embarrassing state of affairs, and Miller should be ashamed. These commercials support the douche bag, fratboy culture that binge-drinks, date-rapes, and has no taste in beer. 

Oh, Yeaahh!

Taste: that is the real downfall here. This isn't a manly beer. A manly beer has hops. A manly beer has flavor. A manly beer packs a mean ABV and some IBUs. When I picture a manly beer, I imagine Stone Brewing's Gargoyle smashing through the bar like the Kool-Aid guy, and punching some Miller-drinking bro-douche in the face. That is manly. This is just a weak beer.

But I'm done. I have nothing else to say. Miller High Life is a respectable light beer, and that is what I would recommend you drink if you need to get your Miller fix. But I cannot support Miller Lite and I cannot stand the "man up" advertisements. I will rip my penis off in a fit of rage before I convert to Miller Lite.

Avoid this swill and boycott the lame, unfunny, and offensive advertisements.