[EPIC THROW DOWN] #Midwest vs. Fucking Vermont

Rawwwrrr

IN CORNER #1 we have....Heyoka!:

Brewed By: Half Acre Beer Company in Chicago, Illinois

Purchased: 16oz/1 Pint CAN bought at Half Acre in Chicago, IL; 2014

Style/ABV: India Pale Ale, 7.0%
Reported IBUs: There's a cat hugging a dinosaur. It doesn't get any more bitter than that.

IN CORNER #2 we have....Vermont Whalez:

Brewed By: The Alchemist in Waterbury, Vermont  

Purchased: 16oz CAN generously beer-mailed/gifted to me; 2014 

Style/ABV: Imperial IPA, 8.0%
Reported IBUs: 120+????

When life gives you lemons, you have a lemon party. Tonight we are doing a throw down between these two completely overrated beers. Seriously, these beers suck, don't buy them. 

Appearance: 

Heady Tophers

Heady Topher is hazy like grandpa's memory with champagne bubbles, and orange juice comparisons are incoming. It figures that Vermont would basically ferment orange juice and call it beer. Heyoka! has less head, is a bit more refined, and goes to church on Sunday. It's basically the #Midwest. Winner: No one. Does anyone except neckbeard BJCP warriors give a shit about the appearance? NEXT.

Aromas: 

Toppling Tophers greets the olfactory with dank ass pine, resin, weed...this is basically That 70's Show. This veers into some weird agave and guava territory, and then lays out orange juice for days. You might get iced tea at colder temps but only noobs drink freezer beer. Hey Yoko smells super bright, like 5th graders in accelerated math. This is a zesty citrus show with some grass and citrus spice. There's also cracker malts to mix things up, I mean why not. And some grapefruit rind to remind everyone that the Midwest vicariously lives through Florida and California's fruit supply. Winner: me. I bench pressed like 215 this week.

Gag Reflex Potential:

Chiraq doesn't mess around, Hanukkah! is refreshing like lemonade, with razor sharp hops that assert dank lemon and orange zest on you like getting femdomed by citrus. It suggests grassy, tropical fruit notes, with water chestnuts (wut) and grapefruit rind. Minimal cracker character shows up like a snorkel to save you from the hypnotic citrus-thigh assault. Handy Tophers is expansive and full-body, truly a BBW in the world of 8% IIPAs. This literal whale is dank like weed, with tons of orange juice. You get some pine, guava, and agave, but this mostly drops that fresh OJ with no malt interference. Winner: OJ Simpson (relevant). 

Lemons. This was literally torture. 

Quaffabilly:

The Heady Doppler is clean and refreshing, but full-bodied. A rare trait that is mitigated just slightly by low complexity. Still, this isn't a moped. This is a dank, sticky weed affair. It rips a bong load of dank orange juice that will impress your stoner friends. Namely, Steve. The Midwest shelf turd, Hey-yo!, is on the opposite end of the spectrum. It's also clean and refreshing, but has a cracker malt backbone that reminds me of a Pilsner. Both beers are bangable, but Hey-yo! is slightly brighter and more zesty. Can you fault the Midwest for trying to channel that grapefruit rind and tropical fruit vibe? Winner: mopeds. 

Rating/Winner: Strong Divine Brew (5.0/5.0) for both these bangers. Both of these beers show up in clutch time, and deliver what they promise. Like a fresh corpse, you want to hit these when they are fresh. The Topher is a big-bodied, orange juice affair. The Halo, K?! is a zesty banger with citrus zest/rind, balanced sweetness, and cracker malts. Both of these beers come in a 4-pack. Both of these beers can be consumed out of the can, or in the can, or out of the can in the can, or in a glass, or wherever. Both of these beers excel in their respective category, and at this point Handy Topher is pretty much a classic staple of beer despite its status as a #whale. 

If you think this review is a cop out, it totally is. But between you and me, I'd probably take the Heyoka! to my deserted island because it seems to be slightly more refreshing. On the other hand, if you age that Vermont whale I hear it turns into a pretty awesome Barleywine. 

Random Thought:

The new Bongripper album is dope:

The Alchemist Heady Topper

Brewed By: The Alchemist in Waterbury, Vermont  

Purchased: 16oz CAN generously beer-mailed/gifted to me; 2014 

Style/ABV: Imperial IPA, 8.0%
Reported IBUs: 120+????

Honestly, I never thought I would be drinking Heady Topper in my immediate future. I don't really beer trade...I'm pretty happy with finding local IPAs (midwest shelf turds). And yeah. Tonight's beer was generously sent my way by a cool dude...so I guess I'm tributing these thoughts to him. I'm also going to do a Heyoka! vs. Heady Topper throwdown tomorrow (which makes no sense because one is an IPA and the other is an IIPA...but more on that tomorrow). About The Alchemist:

The Alchemist are a brewery based out of Waterbury, Vermont. The brewery is small, local, family owned, and famous for Heady Topper. The brewery has been cranking out Heady Topper since 2003, but up until 2011 the beer was a tap-only exclusive. In 2011, the Alchemist Cannery was built, and since then the brewery has been selling so much Heady Topper they hardly have time to brew anything else. The brewery is currently closed to the public, and the Alchemist Pub and Brewery was demolished in Tropical Storm Irene. For more info, Facebook it or whatever. 

Heady Topher

If you aren't familiar with Heady Topper I don't know what to say. Literally, I am not going to say anything else about it. Heady Topher. You know. This is a cloudy, unfiltered beer. It's well carbonated, and has a radiant orange juice body. It produces a wispy finger of cloudy, dense head...and it just kind of looks like the quintessential American hop bomb. It's pretty pale, and dresses well. At times during this review I noticed the beer had a smug smirk. Needless to say, I would definitely bang it, but casting it in Spider-Man 3 was a big misstep. Donna had nice boobs. DAE?

Obviously the aroma is hops, but where do they go? What do they do? How many fingers do they use? Honestly, this smells like super dank orange and pine. It dials up that West Coast sweetness, with hints of guava, tropical fruits, agave, and bongwater. It's in the realm of Maine or even Pipeworks. But that's just a comparison for me. I think a baseline West Coast double IPA is probably Green Flash's. You really need to start there. You should lift too. 

Yum...this is really tasty, and I see why this is immensely popular. This is really good shit. First off, this is a thick beer. At 8.0%, they managed to cram a lot of body into this. Second, this is really hoppy. Obviously. This dials up huge notes of pine, orange, guava, resin/hemp, and subtle notes that suggest tropical fruit, agave, and weed. There is enough sweetness in here to balance out the immense bitterness, so you end up getting a lot of welcomed resin notes. This is also pretty dank. The malt backbone is completely unobtrusive, as it should be. I think that is really what differentiates this beer from so many other Imperial IPAs. This beer doesn't have any malt notes or caramel sweetness...it's clean and hoppy, but it is still substantial through and through. 

Heady Toppler ftw or something

I dunno, there's not much to say. This is immensely drinkable at 8.0%. It is clean, full-bodied, carbonated, and it has good depth and duration. The one knock here might be complexity, but it's not an inherently complex style. Really, this is just a fantastic beer that lives up to its hype with huge orange, grapefruit, pine, guava, resin, and tropical fruit punching your mouth up front; the mids roll into orange juice, resin, weed, grassy notes, and more hops; the back end drops OJ, resinous dankness, and a dry clean finish.

Rating: Divine Brew (5.0/5.0 Untappd)

I'm feeling a Strong Divine Brew on this. This lives up to the hype. It really does. This is one of the better Imperial IPAs I have had. This is a huge beer that thrives within the confines of 8.0%. It's also super clean, with virtually no traces of malt. This is a hop-forward experience through and through, but it is also fairly balanced and drinkable. I would suggest pairing this with spicy foods, pizza, a burger, wings, or anything that benefits from tons of dank, juicy hops. This is an OJ explosion and I am happy to have tried it. 

Random Thought: I guess I can tick this whale off my list. Woohoo. Also, forget the whole "drink from the can" noise. This is going into a glass.