Shitty Beer Tuesday #8: Miller Fortune

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin 

Purchased: 24oz CAN bought at some random gas station in Urbana, IL; 2014 

Style/ABV: Malt Liquor, 6.9%

Reported IBUs: ?

24oz? 6.9%? Miller, are you trying to get me drunk?

Let me back up for a second. Tonight's beer is a tale of two identity crises. The first identity crisis is just a giant mix-up, and is important for understanding tonight's beer. 

It looks like your fortune is changing.

You see, back in January 2014 when MillerCoors announced Miller Fortune, they started talking about how this beer will compete with whiskey and bourbon. 

Brewmaster Manny Manuele was even careful enough to pour the beer into a rocks glass at a press release -- the same type of glass reserved for whiskey. And that's the same glass you see present in the commercials and advertisements for the Miller Fortune.

The Miller Fortune is described as having a more malty, complex flavor, hinting at bourbon.

Wait. What? 

Is this beer bourbon barrel-aged? Is it brewed with oak chips? Is there any whiskey or bourbon connection to this giant malt liquor beverage? 

#GlassWhalez, ISO

The Miller Fortune clocks in at 6.9%. The slight boost in alcohol that you see here is apparently to draw parallel to the high proof of bourbon and whiskey. The beer is also brewed with Cascade hops. But mysteriously absent are any oak or bourbon chips, or any bourbon flavoring. There is none of that here.

In fact, amidst all the hype about Miller's new bourbon-flavored beer after the Fortune was announced, MillerCoors released an official statement:

"Since that story ran, there have been several follow-up stories that inaccurately portray Miller Fortune as being a bourbon-flavored beer," media relations director Jonathan Stern wrote. "That is simply not true." [Source]

So...let's get this straight. Miller Fortune is a bourbon/whiskey-inspired malt liquor that is intended to compete with the bourbon and whiskey market, but it doesn't actually have any connection to bourbon or whiskey except that if you drink lots of it you will get wasted? Okay. I'm listening. Apparently MillerCoors wants me to get really drunk, and then to kill people.

Wait what? Kill people? I guess we should probably talk about the second identity crisis I mentioned. Can someone explain to me what is going on with scary mobster actors trying to sell me alcohol? This is what I'm talking about:

"HEY! Buy our fucking product or we will fucking kill you, and your family, and your dog."

I understand using hot women to sell me beer. I understand using famous black rappers that have put their 'fuck the police' attitude behind them to sell me beer. I even kind of understand using Sherpas to sell me the coldest and most refreshing beer in the world. 

But scary actors who portray scary mobsters? Really? Mark Strong might be a nice guy in real life, but Ray Liotta looks like he could come unhinged at any moment. You better hope there are no 2x4s laying around or he doesn't feel like compressing your skull with his bare hands, because he totally has that look like he could do that. Oh, and by the way, "buy our alcohol product!"

Who the fuck is this supposed to be marketed to?!!?!? Ray Liotta isn't a cool cat, he is fucking scary! 

Anyway...

Shitty Beer Tuesday #8: Miller Fortune

The Miller Fortune pours out into a deep orange, transparent body. It produces excessive amounts of rapidly forming head, to the tune of three-plus fingers. The head gives way to some spotty lacing, and the beer settles into an amber body in bright light. There's carbonation in here too. I don't think my fortune has changed just yet...

The Miller Fortune website is underwhelming, which is why I haven't mentioned it yet. The aroma on this beer is also kind of underwhelming, with cereal and corn malt sweetness present on the nose. I guess the aroma is kind of "amber," if you like to describe the smell of your malt liquor with colors. If you delve into the nose a little further it smells okay. I'm getting some light grassy hops, caramel malts, and some sweet, bread-like malts typical of a lighter Bock. It doesn't smell skunky or overly sweet.

The taste reminds me of malt liquors, and there's a weirdly cloying, sweet, off-putting thing on the finish. It starts out okay up front with big malt sweetness, bready malts, some biscuit, and a little hop balance. The middle is also okay, as the sweetness melds into some nice mild grassy hop notes. The back end is where everything goes to shit, like when the stripper brushes up on you during the lap dance and you end up with that snail trail. You get that blast of booze, fusel alcohol, and sickly gasoline sweetness. It's a really off-putting flavor, and it's reminiscent of terrible libations served in 40oz cans. 

I'm happy to report that this will get your drunk. If that's what you want, you could do worse than to buy this. I'm feeling some nice alcohol warming here. But how does this beer tie into spirits? I don't get it! It's like the Ray Liotta and Mark Strong advertising thing. How is this beer connected to spirits? It tastes like every other shitty malt liquor, only slightly better. It's light-bodied, easy-drinking, and spends quality time on your palate for better or worse. I'm not a sophisticated hobo so I won't talk about complexity. Needless to say, all the bready and hoppy goodness up front and in the middle is ruined in the finish. Bleh.

Rating: Below-Average (2.0/5.0 Untappd)

This is a Strong Below-Average. The only redeeming quality here is that this beer will get you drunk. It's not the worst malt liquor out there...not by a long shot. There's a refined element to this swill that elevates it over a lot of the horrible malt liquors available. But comparing malt liquors is like rating your poo: no one wins. Food pairings here include being homeless or wanting to get wasted. If Mark Strong reads this, hopefully he can nope the fuck out of future advertising deals. I'm sure a real bourbon/whiskey company would pay you to advertise, dude. Also, don't kill me. Please?

Random Thought: Craft beer has a huge bourbon connection. Look at all the bourbon barrel-aged beers available these days. The Miller Fortune is not only a bad beer, but it is poorly conceived in terms of its advertising and purpose. MillerCoors is way behind the eight-ball. These guys don't get it. And that's a shame, because I still enjoy the occasional Miller High Life. 

Even though this beer is hella cheap, I probably wouldn't buy it again. Maybe if it came in a 40...at 6.9%, I can do similar damage with a good tasting IPA. If I want to get wasted, the aforementioned 40s will do the trick. Take note, MillerCoors. 

Yuengling Traditional Lager

Brewed By: Yuengling Brewery in Pottsville, Pennsylvania
Purchased: 12oz bottle from a 12-pack that was gifted to me; not sure where it was purchased (possibly Oh hi, Oh!); 2012
Style/ABV: Pale Lager, 4.4%, 4.9%? Who knows.

Reported IBUs: ?

WIKKKKKIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEDOOOOOO

A review of Yuengling Traditional Lager? Why? Because....it's Tuesday, and I was getting that itch. For...Shitty Beer Tuesday! Except, I don't know if it's fair to throw Yuengling Brewery into the ring. According to Wikpezza, Yuengling is tied with the Boston Beer Company as the largest American-owned brewery. Oh, and Yuengling is America's oldest brewery. According to Wiiiiipedia, it's pronounced "Ying-Ling. That's German for "young man," and not Chinese import for "shitty to average beer." Oh, and their logo is an Eagle. According to WIIIIIZZZZZZARRDPEDIA.

I usually do the history on the breweries, but Wiki-wiki-stylie has a pretty decent breakdown. But so does the Yuengling website. I guess the story starts with David G. Yuengling, who immigrated from Wurttenberg, Germany to live in the coal-mining town of Pottsville, Pennsylvania. In 1829, David decided to open the Eagle Brewery, only to see it burned down by a fire two years later. David decided to build a new brewery, and in 1873 the brewery changed its name to D.G. Yuengling & Son to commemorate the partnership between David and his son, Frederick. The next 20 years were a bit of a drag; in 1877 David Yuengling died, and in 1899 Frederick Yuengling died. The brewery was then passed on  to Frederick's son, Frank. During prohibition, the brewery survived by selling "near beer," or according to HARRRY UR A WIZZZZZARRRRD, low-alcohol beer. Following the passing of Frank D. Yuengling in 1963, the brewery was survived by Richard L. and F. Dohrman. In 1985, Richard L. Yuengling Jr. purchased the company and became the president, and during the 1990s and early 2000s, the brewery saw massive expansion. In 2010, Yuengling surpassed 2 million barrels. Yuengling continues to grow, and is one of America's most popular breweries. For more info, check out the Yuengling history page, or go to WIKIKIKIKIKI.

Yuengling makes a number of beers, but their flagship is definitely their Traditional Lager. The Yuengling website has this to say about their Traditional Lager: "famous for its rich amber color and medium-bodied flavor -- with roasted caramel malt for a subtle sweetness and a combination of cluster and cascade hops, this true original delivers a well-balanced taste with very distinct character." The paraphrased version is 'something something you can drink 12 in one night and piss excellence.' Let's glass this up.

Not Shitty Beer Tuesday??? #8: Yuengling Traditional Lager

Balla...I have no respect.

This beer, mad skills. The beer pours with 3-fingers of amber tinted head, and a transparent, filtered body that is copper/amber. When held to a bright light, the beer has a nice dark copper/amber color. There's some head hanging around, picking up 'dem copper tones, and leaving some respectable lacing. You can see the carbonation in the form of mid-sized bubbles. Eye of an eagle.

For a lighter Lager, this has a solid aroma profile. Would smell again. You get some bread/biscuit, cereal, and honey. This is mostly malt, but rounds out with some floral and earthy hop aromas. Maybe a dash of grass or lemon.

This is fairly crisp, refreshing  and drinkable. You do get some cereal graininess in the taste, along with a hint of bread/toast, and there is some nice grass/light lemon hop kick to clean things up. This has a bit of that "harshness" going on, like you would find in a English Ale with hard water. There's that touch of mineral/sulfur. 

Refreshing...drinkable...smooth and creamy, and supported by lively carbonation, this is a beer that beckons you to have more than one. Or maybe that's just the alcoholism talking. This is light-bodied, has decent complexity for the style, and has good palate depth. This sort of reminds me of a Kölsch or a Dortmunder. Up front is refreshing, cereal, grains; this rolls into hints of fruit, grassy hops; the finish is honey, lingering cereal, sweet malts. A touch dry? But refreshing.

WIKICHHHEEEEEEETTTTTTTAAAAAAHHHH

Rating: Above-Average

I'm feeling a Light Above-Average on this. This PROBABLY doesn't belong on Shitty Beer Tuesday, but I'm not a calender wizard. It's Tuesday!!! There's not a lot going on here, but there isn't a lot to complain about. This doesn't have any skunk, and you get some solid malt goodness and some solid hop balance. But you know that. I mean, why am I even reviewing this? Exactly. Food pairings: the bar, the food at the bar, the skank you pick up at the bar, the bouncer you punch at the b....wait, this isn't Stella. 

Random Thought: According to WIKICHHHEEEEEEETTTTTTTAAAAAAHHHH, Yuengling is the oldest brewery in America. DO YOU UNDERSTAND. THEY ARE AMERICA'S OLDEST BREWERY. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION. WIKIAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.