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| Rawwwrrr |
Brewed By: Half Acre Beer Company in Chicago, Illinois
Purchased: 16oz/1 Pint CAN bought at Half Acre in Chicago, IL; 2014
Style/ABV: India Pale Ale, 7.0%
Reported IBUs: There's a cat hugging a dinosaur. It doesn't get any more bitter than that.
IN CORNER #2 we have....Vermont Whalez:
Reported IBUs: There's a cat hugging a dinosaur. It doesn't get any more bitter than that.
IN CORNER #2 we have....Vermont Whalez:
Purchased: 16oz CAN generously beer-mailed/gifted to me; 2014
Style/ABV: Imperial IPA, 8.0%
Reported IBUs: 120+????
When life gives you lemons, you have a lemon party. Tonight we are doing a throw down between these two completely overrated beers. Seriously, these beers suck, don't buy them.
Appearance:
Heady Topher is hazy like grandpa's memory with champagne bubbles, and orange juice comparisons are incoming. It figures that Vermont would basically ferment orange juice and call it beer. Heyoka! has less head, is a bit more refined, and goes to church on Sunday. It's basically the #Midwest. Winner: No one. Does anyone except neckbeard BJCP warriors give a shit about the appearance? NEXT.
Aromas:
Toppling Tophers greets the olfactory with dank ass pine, resin, weed...this is basically That 70's Show. This veers into some weird agave and guava territory, and then lays out orange juice for days. You might get iced tea at colder temps but only noobs drink freezer beer. Hey Yoko smells super bright, like 5th graders in accelerated math. This is a zesty citrus show with some grass and citrus spice. There's also cracker malts to mix things up, I mean why not. And some grapefruit rind to remind everyone that the Midwest vicariously lives through Florida and California's fruit supply. Winner: me. I bench pressed like 215 this week.
Gag Reflex Potential:
Chiraq doesn't mess around, Hanukkah! is refreshing like lemonade, with razor sharp hops that assert dank lemon and orange zest on you like getting femdomed by citrus. It suggests grassy, tropical fruit notes, with water chestnuts (wut) and grapefruit rind. Minimal cracker character shows up like a snorkel to save you from the hypnotic citrus-thigh assault. Handy Tophers is expansive and full-body, truly a BBW in the world of 8% IIPAs. This literal whale is dank like weed, with tons of orange juice. You get some pine, guava, and agave, but this mostly drops that fresh OJ with no malt interference. Winner: OJ Simpson (relevant).
Quaffabilly:
The Heady Doppler is clean and refreshing, but full-bodied. A rare trait that is mitigated just slightly by low complexity. Still, this isn't a moped. This is a dank, sticky weed affair. It rips a bong load of dank orange juice that will impress your stoner friends. Namely, Steve. The Midwest shelf turd, Hey-yo!, is on the opposite end of the spectrum. It's also clean and refreshing, but has a cracker malt backbone that reminds me of a Pilsner. Both beers are bangable, but Hey-yo! is slightly brighter and more zesty. Can you fault the Midwest for trying to channel that grapefruit rind and tropical fruit vibe? Winner: mopeds.
Rating/Winner: Strong Divine Brew (5.0/5.0) for both these bangers. Both of these beers show up in clutch time, and deliver what they promise. Like a fresh corpse, you want to hit these when they are fresh. The Topher is a big-bodied, orange juice affair. The Halo, K?! is a zesty banger with citrus zest/rind, balanced sweetness, and cracker malts. Both of these beers come in a 4-pack. Both of these beers can be consumed out of the can, or in the can, or out of the can in the can, or in a glass, or wherever. Both of these beers excel in their respective category, and at this point Handy Topher is pretty much a classic staple of beer despite its status as a #whale.
If you think this review is a cop out, it totally is. But between you and me, I'd probably take the Heyoka! to my deserted island because it seems to be slightly more refreshing. On the other hand, if you age that Vermont whale I hear it turns into a pretty awesome Barleywine.
Random Thought:
The new Bongripper album is dope:
Reported IBUs: 120+????
When life gives you lemons, you have a lemon party. Tonight we are doing a throw down between these two completely overrated beers. Seriously, these beers suck, don't buy them.
Appearance:
 |
| Heady Tophers |
Aromas:
Toppling Tophers greets the olfactory with dank ass pine, resin, weed...this is basically That 70's Show. This veers into some weird agave and guava territory, and then lays out orange juice for days. You might get iced tea at colder temps but only noobs drink freezer beer. Hey Yoko smells super bright, like 5th graders in accelerated math. This is a zesty citrus show with some grass and citrus spice. There's also cracker malts to mix things up, I mean why not. And some grapefruit rind to remind everyone that the Midwest vicariously lives through Florida and California's fruit supply. Winner: me. I bench pressed like 215 this week.
Gag Reflex Potential:
Chiraq doesn't mess around, Hanukkah! is refreshing like lemonade, with razor sharp hops that assert dank lemon and orange zest on you like getting femdomed by citrus. It suggests grassy, tropical fruit notes, with water chestnuts (wut) and grapefruit rind. Minimal cracker character shows up like a snorkel to save you from the hypnotic citrus-thigh assault. Handy Tophers is expansive and full-body, truly a BBW in the world of 8% IIPAs. This literal whale is dank like weed, with tons of orange juice. You get some pine, guava, and agave, but this mostly drops that fresh OJ with no malt interference. Winner: OJ Simpson (relevant).
 |
| Lemons. This was literally torture. |
Quaffabilly:
The Heady Doppler is clean and refreshing, but full-bodied. A rare trait that is mitigated just slightly by low complexity. Still, this isn't a moped. This is a dank, sticky weed affair. It rips a bong load of dank orange juice that will impress your stoner friends. Namely, Steve. The Midwest shelf turd, Hey-yo!, is on the opposite end of the spectrum. It's also clean and refreshing, but has a cracker malt backbone that reminds me of a Pilsner. Both beers are bangable, but Hey-yo! is slightly brighter and more zesty. Can you fault the Midwest for trying to channel that grapefruit rind and tropical fruit vibe? Winner: mopeds.
Rating/Winner: Strong Divine Brew (5.0/5.0) for both these bangers. Both of these beers show up in clutch time, and deliver what they promise. Like a fresh corpse, you want to hit these when they are fresh. The Topher is a big-bodied, orange juice affair. The Halo, K?! is a zesty banger with citrus zest/rind, balanced sweetness, and cracker malts. Both of these beers come in a 4-pack. Both of these beers can be consumed out of the can, or in the can, or out of the can in the can, or in a glass, or wherever. Both of these beers excel in their respective category, and at this point Handy Topher is pretty much a classic staple of beer despite its status as a #whale.
If you think this review is a cop out, it totally is. But between you and me, I'd probably take the Heyoka! to my deserted island because it seems to be slightly more refreshing. On the other hand, if you age that Vermont whale I hear it turns into a pretty awesome Barleywine.
Random Thought:
The new Bongripper album is dope:
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