Blue Moon Winter Sample Pack 2014: Blue Moon Farmhouse Red Ale

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin   

Purchased: 12oz bottle from the Blue Moon Winter Sampler 2014 bought at Jewel-Osco in Chicago, IL; 2014 

Style/ABV: Farmhouse Ale/Saison, 5.4%

Reported IBUs: 15

DAE Macro sampler packs?

Over the past few years of penning horrible blog reviews, I have never actually reviewed one of America's classic beers: Blue Moon Belgian White. I did review their god-awful Grand Cru once upon a time, but how about some of their more seminal releases? I couldn't pass up on the Winter Sampler Pack for 2014. This thing cost about $15, and comes with five unique beers. Well, five really, because who hasn't had the Belgian White? About MillerCoors aka Blue Moon:

Blue Moon was first brewed in 1995 at one of MillerCoors' R&D arms; in a sandlot, in Denver, Colorado, by Keith Villa. Keith Villa is an OG player these days. He's off judging beer, and talking about his PhD in brewing from the University of Brussels. There's a PhD for everything these days. Seriously though, it's Blue Moon. Read the Wiki. 

At what point are we going full shark jumping? Blue Moon making a Farmhouse Ale? The Farmhouse Red is brewed with Pale Malt, European Abbey Malt, European Acidulated Malt, Chocolate Malt, and Malted White Wheat malts; this features Spalt Select and Czech Saaz hops; and is brewed with white pepper, coriander, and hibiscus. I'm not sure what qualifies this as a farmhouse ale, or why I should pour it into a slender glass.

HOLY SHIT. The bottle of this actually says "Saison/Flanders-Style Ale." It also is part of Blue Moon's "Expressionist Collection." LOLOL.

This is a heaping pile of shit. "Saison." Fuck you, MillerCoors.

This pours into a flaccid red body that is filtered and rather unlively. The finger of red tinged head was quick to drop off leaving nothing but this caramel-soup mess of a beer that is apparently a "Saison." It's hard to believe that MillerCoors lets Keith Villa outside of their rape dungeon or whatever they call their R&D department, so I don't understand the story about how Keith traveled the Belgian countryside while fingering mashes or whatever the fuck MillerCoors thinks you need to do to conceive a Saison.

This abomination smells like wheat and fake caramel, ala EVERY. OTHER. FUCKING. BLUE. MOON. BEER. EVER. EVER!!!! And for the other styles that's okay, but Saisons are supposed to be peppery and citrusy and wheat-fueled. This smells offensively doughy and is not leaving a good impression on the nose.

This is possibly the worst Saison that has ever been made, and is a huge reminder that MillerCoors doesn't have a clue about the world of beer. This wouldn't even register as a Saison in the American craft beer scene back in 1990, and effectively tastes like Blue Moon Belgian White with some hibiscus thrown in because "if it works for that crazy honky Dany Prignon it must work for us!" The caramel and rye notes that cut through the hibiscus are like a bad mix of an Oktoberfest with Boulevard's Hibiscus Gose. Only it somehow tastes seven times worse. This is equal parts muddled as it is stupid, and the only connection to "Flanders" or "Saison" is to the Flanders region of Canada where they brew Saizons. Or something. What the fuck.

Rarely does a beer leave me speechless, but this is an aberration. As this warms up, some of the wheat makes an appearance over the onslaught of saccharine caramel-extract, but this is just so incredibly stupid...and kind of offensive. It's not so much that this is a bad beer per se as it is a bad Saison. Operative word. This is a Wheat Ale in the vaguest sense, and not really a Saison at all. It's just too damn malty and sweet. This is medium-bodied, and pretty full in the palate; up front is a blast of caramel, sugar, bread; the mids roll into some hibiscus, and mild wheat, with faint muddled tartness; the back end is just like "huh?" I'm not getting any pepper or citrus here. Just so bad. 

Rating: Below-Average (1.5/5.0 Untappd)

This is a Strong Below-Average. This isn't sewage by any stretch insofar that it is beer, and it is in my glass, and it is drinkable. Any connection to the Saison style or the Flanders region is incredibly tenuous, and this beer misses the mark like Chernobyl, the Titanic, and Peter North is space. This is just a remarkably gimmicky and stupid beer that needs to go away, like the Blue Moon Grand Cru.

Random Thought: Wow! I didn't think I would have such vitriolic and choice words regarding this Blue Moon Winter Sampler...I mean, it was smooth sailing up until now. Funny how that works...