Shitty Beer Tuesday #2: Foster's Lager

Brewed By: Fosters Group Limited in Southbank, Australia

Purchased: Single, big-ass, bomber can (25.4oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Ale/American Lager, 5% 

Foster's, Australian for Shitty Beer

I have a cousin who peaced out of the United States and went to live in Australia. I always assumed her motivation to leave America was because she grew up in New Jersey, but I never understood the Australia thing. I mean Australia is basically an ex-British prison colony, and that's only a few degrees better than the S-hole that New Jersey is.

 

Being the dumb American that I am, I always pictured Australia as the redneck cousin of Texas, only instead of having deers they have kangaroos. It turns out I'm not far off, because kangaroo is in fact eaten in Australia. Thanks to having a sheltered American childhood, which included watching Winnie the Pooh, I was always under the impression that kangaroos are some sort of mystical animal. It turns out that they are just BBQ and roadkill. So now I am going to destroy your childhood. 

 

Nature's fender-bender: try scraping this out of your grill.

Kangaroos are not only super common in Australia, but they are a giant pain in the ass. Kangaroos are constantly jumping out in front of cars, and cause massive damage and headaches annually. It turns out that kangaroos are essentially Australian roadkill, and are just as big of a pain in the ass as deer are in America.

I'm a deer, bitch!

Conversely, if you are Australian and are reading this, I need to inform you that despite what you saw in Bambi, everyone in America who drives a car hates deer. Sure, deer are majestic; and who doesn't "awwww" and "ohhh" when they see a deer while hiking. But the only people rooting for Bambi are 10-year-old kids and guys with snow plows on their grill. Also, deer transmit Mad Cow disease, so they are basically America's zombie roadkill. Deer have a tendency to dart out from the trees or underbrush on the side of the road, and they have a special affinity for headlights and bumpers. And sure, some dildo from PETA is going to point out that humans built roads in the deer's habitat, and that the deer doesn't know any better, but deers are seriously attracted to cars like flies are attracted to a bug zappers. 

 

At any rate, the take-home message here is that neither deer nor kangaroos are special. Which is why you should hit the accelerator, not the brake. Today's beer comes from down under, or maybe not. 

 

Part of the reason why I do Shitty Beer Tuesday is to point out that a beer that might have seemingly humble roots is actually owned by a huge corporation. Trying to figure out who owns Fosters is like trying to screw a dingo without it biting your donger off. Today's beer is owned and brewed by the Foster's Group, out in Melbourne, Victoria. Foster's seems to have humble roots, being founded in Melbourne in 1888 by two American brothers, William and Ralph Foster from New York. Anyway, these two bros owned a refrigeration plant, so being the only two people in Australia with air conditioning they decided they would make beer. According to Wikipedia there has been speculation over the years that Fosters might be taken over by either SABMiller, Molson Coors or Heineken International.

The plot thickens, because according to WIKIPEDIA SABMiller acquired the Fosters brand for Indian and Vietnamese markets in Africa and Asia. As if shit wasn't confusing enough, Miller-Coors (technically part of the mega-SABMiller-conglamerate) claims that Foster's is one of their brands. So who the fuck owns Foster's? The answer seems to be both SABMiller and the Foster's Group LTD. It's likely North American distribution of Foster's is either a legitimate import or produced and distributed by SABMiller, while the Australian stuff is still made by Foster's Group LTD. Either way, word on the street is that SABMiller wants to suck the whole thing up.  

 

Shitty beer, crikey!

I'm looking forward to this beer, because of kangaroos and Australian prisoners. So let's start with appearance....wait, what is that...uh-oh. It seems like all my talk of kangaroos and deer has stirred up some attention from the other side, because the Ghost of Steve Irwin just busted in and won't get the hell out unless I let him talk about today's beer.

Me: Alright, Mr. Irwin, so if I let you say a few things about this beer, you'll get the hell out of here, right?

Ghost of Steve Irwin: Crikey! Foster's is a pale lager, like that American-German animal Budweiser you were drinking last week! This shitty grog is brewed with lots of adjuncts, so you better watch out! 

 

Me: What is a grog, you goofy Australian bastard?

 

Ghost of Steve Irwin: This here grog is a beer! She's not a real looker, with a pale-golden piss body, lots of carbonation, and a white head. Typical pale lager.

 

A giant foamy mess of a head, and a hard to pour beer.

Me: Also, pouring this beer was a pain in the ass. Getting beer from this oversized can into a glass resulted in spilling beer everywhere. But don't sell this beer short, Mr. Irwin, it actually has some head retention and bubbles hanging around the top unlike Budweiser. That beer had no head and no retention. 

Ghost of Steve Irwin: She's transparent too, so you can see through it. Not a very good camouflaged beer she isn't. Anyway, Jackaroo, I need to return to my shanty in Hell, there's a party at 6 that I need to get ready for!

 

Me: So you just storm into my blog, talk about how this shitty beer looks, and leave just like that? Mr. Irwin, you are hurting my heart. 

Ghost of Steve Irwin: I hope you hit a deer! Criiiikkkeeeeyyyyyy!!!!...

 

God damn Australians. Weirdest haunting ever. Anyway, back to the beer....aside from the incredibly typical pale lager appearance, minus a slightly more robust head, this beer smells pretty much like your typical adjunct pale lager. I smell a lot of cereal, and a definite corn or rice note. There is maybe a hint of caramel, and a trace hint of lager yeast spice (gingery or vegetabley). Overall it's clean, not all that aromatic, and typical of a pale lager. 

 

The good news is that so far this beer is surpassing Budweiser. And it continues to surpass Budweiser in the taste department. I complained that Budweiser had a slightly cloying sweet note, this beer has a slightly pale note that manifests as biting or bitter. This is crisp and refreshing, with an okay rice or corn bite and plenty of grainy cereal notes; some cardboard is coming along for the ride. There are subtle pulls towards fruity in the form of apple or pear, but it's not really definite. Truth be told, this might hold up with Sushi or Chinese food. 

 

This is very drinkable, clean and refreshing. However, as this beer warms up it leans more towards Australian piss than beer. Drink this one cold and don't let it warm up or sit around, because it takes on a slightly skunky and offensive taste. The 5% ABV is non-existent in the taste, and this one is pretty smooth minus the intense carbonation (/belch). You get carbonation and those subtle fruit notes on the front, malts and adjuncts in the middle, and the back end of the palate ends with a dominating adjunct profile. The body is thin, this is a light beer, and it is about as complex as water.

 

Rating: Average

Score: 53%

 

I want to throw this beer under the bus soooooooo bad. Pouring this beer was a nightmare, and the giant can is fucking ridiculous. Why not just spring for a bottle at that point? What is Foster's trying to say? No, I don't need to hold a giant beer can to feel manly. In Foster's defense, 99% of people who drink this beer are never going to pour it into a glass. I'm also upset because this beer stirred up the Ghost of Steve Irwin. That guy is really rude, showing up to my blog to talk about beer. 

Seriously?

Anyway, Foster's Lager is surprisingly drinkable and has enough lager-esque flavors to sort of give it a personality. This is better than Budweiser, and would go well with Asian cuisine me thinks. 

On a final note, the beer states "Get a Free Belt Buckle" when you buy three 25.4oz cans. This isn't helping not reinforce any stereotypes about rednecks and Australians. I'm just saying...I mean, the belt buckle is okay and all. It isn't my cup of tea, but I can see how it would come in handy. Especially if it was a belt buckle that can help you open your beer. But between the giant can, the belt buckle, and the kangaroos, I cannot help but laugh at how absurd this beer is. 

It turns out that Foster's fared better than I expected...it's on the low-end of your average pale lager. Pick up a few of these if you are looking to get smashed Aussie style, or pair this with some Asian cuisine. This has been another Shitty Beer Tuesday, so until next time, cheers.