Small Town Brewery Not Your Father's Root Beer (5.9%)

Brewed By: Small Town Brewery in Wauconda, IL  

Purchased: 12oz bottle from a 6-pack bought at Jewel-Osco in Chicago, IL; 2014 

Style/ABV: Malt Beverage, 5.9%

Reported IBUs: ?

If you need proof that beer geeks have a strong overlap with alcoholics, look no further than the Small Town Brewery and Not Your Father's Root Beer. Not Your Father's Root Beer is an alcoholic root beer that punches in at 5.9%, 10.7%, and 19.5%. You can guess which one beer geeks seek out. I have never quaffed the 19.5%...and maybe that's a good thing. I have no problem pounding 12oz draft pours of the 10.7% version. The beer is not only smooth as hell, but it has some of the best root beer flavor I have ever had. It's legitimately better than non-alcoholic root beer, as the alcohol brings a peppery spice and extra dimension of flavor. And did I mention this stuff is tasty? It makes Sprecher's Hard Root Beer look really crappy. Anyway, about Small Town Brewery:

Small Town Brewery is a small brewery based out of Wauconda, IL. The brewery was founded in 2010, and have become notorious for their boozy root beer. For more info, hit up their website or Facebook page. 

The 5.9% version of Not Your Father's Root Beer is available year-round, and at this point in time I am having no trouble finding it on shelves. As these things go, this really isn't a beer...but you know, fuck it. That wine tag...they see my trollin'.

Not Your Father's Root Beer (5.9%)

The aroma on this is serious root beer with big vanilla, wood, medicinal spice, sassafras, cough syrup, molasses, and some serious cola. There is that amusement park candied sugar aspect, and big hard root beer candies. It's like a blast into my childhood, so I have to give this thing credit for making me drunk and making me feel like I'm 12.

As you can imagine, this tastes like root beer. This is super sweet, sugary, one-dimensional...but this is also really fucking good. It's like a top-tier root beer, with alcohol. You get that spicy bite up front, with some medicinal elements, sassafras, cola, dark fruits; the mids roll into more spice and some bubble gum sweetness; the back end dials up wood, vanilla, root beer candies, and tons of sugar. 

There's not much to say...this isn't complex, but the palate depth is really good. This is basically a stickier, sweeter version of root beer...with alcohol. It is ridiculous how drinkable this is, and that scales up with the higher alcohol version as well. And by scales up I mean scales up inversely. Honestly, the 10.7% is the smoothest 10.7% thing I have ever consumed. Dangerous stuff. 

Rating: Divine Brew (4.5/5.0 Untappd)

I'm feeling a Light Divine Brew on this. There is a slightly grapey flavor in here that was present in the Sprecher Hard Root Beer that you don't get when you have this beer on tap (or at least the 10.7% version). It's not a problem though, and sort of integrates into this beer. It's definitely a component in a good root beer, but when it runs away it can cause trouble. In this case, no trouble. You can pair this stuff with anything, but I'm partial to sipping on it after a meal while watching TV or whatever. And by sipping I mean drinking the whole 6-pack. Damn.

Random Thought: So now that the Bear's season is over, I need to figure out who to root for. Suggestions are welcomed. 

Sprecher Hard Root Beer

Brewed By: Sprecher Brewing Company in Glendale, Wisconsin  

Purchased: 12oz bottle from a 4-pack bought at Jewel-Osco in Chicago, IL; 2014 

Style/ABV: Malt Beverage, 5.0%

Reported IBUs: ?

I've seen Sprecher's Hard Root Beer sitting on shelves for ages, so I decided to pick some up at a ridiculous price of $5.00 a 4-pack. About Sprecher: 

The Sprecher Brewing Compnay is a brewery based out of Glendale, Wisconsin. The company was founded in 1985 by Randal Sprecher, who was a brewing supervisor at Pabst Brewing Company. During 1985 to 1994, the brewery was located at 730 W. Oregon Street in Milwaukee, but the company outgrew its original facility and moved to Glendale in 1994. For more info, check out the brewery's history page. 

The Sprecher Hard Root Beer is "not your granddaddy's root beer." This is the adult version of their famous root beer.

Sprecher Hard Root Beer

The Hard Foot Beer pours out looking exactly like regular root beer, only with a couple of fingers of tan head. The head, surprisingly, sticks around for the long haul. This stuff is cola-like with a brown/purple body. In bright light, the beer takes on a swampy and murky brown appearance.

On the aroma: big root beer, some woody character, lots of spice. There's some nice sassafras, licorice, a little cherry/grape, and lots of cola goodness. It smells surprisingly earthy and medicinal, like good root beer, with minimal sweetness on the nose. 

This is pretty tasty, but right up front is a really sweet and spicy note that tastes like sweet grape or maraschino cherry, or something. Once that sweet note passes, you're hit with big wood, fired barrels, and then HUGE oak, vanilla, sassafras, more gentle vanilla, medicinal spice, and root beer. It's like...Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The front half of this beverage is overtly sweet and somewhat turbulent, but the back end delivers the goods. It's kind of a shame that it doesn't ride out the good vibes from start to finish. 

This has a medium-bodied mouthfeel, with good palate depth, duration, and complexity. It's actually pretty tasty as far as malt beverages go, and things move along with lots of carbonation. This isn't overly sweet at 5.0%, and that works to this drink's advantage. The only issue for me is the front 1/3 of this malt beverage. Up front: Overt sweetness, grapes, maraschino cherries, sweetness; that rolls into a decadent middle that features medicinal spice, oak, vanilla, barrel, wood, brilliant root beer and cola; the back end lingers with oak and vanilla, and cleans up nicely. You want to take another sip, and as you drink it the front end becomes less obnoxious.

Rating: Average (3.5/5.0 Untappd)

I'm feeling a Strong Average here...this is a solid malt beverage, but nothing mind blowing. Compared to Small Town Brewery's Not Your Father's Root Beer, this has some work to do. But, that's not to say this is bad. It isn't. I'm really enjoying this, and it continues to sit on shelves everywhere. At the relatively cheap price this is sold for, and at the sessionable ABV, I could see myself picking this up for social gatherings and summer barbecues. I can't not recommend this, it's just a fun malt beverage.

Random Thought: Dat Not Your Father's Root Beer is fucking delicious. 

Shitty Beer Tuesday #8: Miller Fortune

Brewed By: Miller Brewing Company (MillerCoors) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin 

Purchased: 24oz CAN bought at some random gas station in Urbana, IL; 2014 

Style/ABV: Malt Liquor, 6.9%

Reported IBUs: ?

24oz? 6.9%? Miller, are you trying to get me drunk?

Let me back up for a second. Tonight's beer is a tale of two identity crises. The first identity crisis is just a giant mix-up, and is important for understanding tonight's beer. 

It looks like your fortune is changing.

You see, back in January 2014 when MillerCoors announced Miller Fortune, they started talking about how this beer will compete with whiskey and bourbon. 

Brewmaster Manny Manuele was even careful enough to pour the beer into a rocks glass at a press release -- the same type of glass reserved for whiskey. And that's the same glass you see present in the commercials and advertisements for the Miller Fortune.

The Miller Fortune is described as having a more malty, complex flavor, hinting at bourbon.

Wait. What? 

Is this beer bourbon barrel-aged? Is it brewed with oak chips? Is there any whiskey or bourbon connection to this giant malt liquor beverage? 

#GlassWhalez, ISO

The Miller Fortune clocks in at 6.9%. The slight boost in alcohol that you see here is apparently to draw parallel to the high proof of bourbon and whiskey. The beer is also brewed with Cascade hops. But mysteriously absent are any oak or bourbon chips, or any bourbon flavoring. There is none of that here.

In fact, amidst all the hype about Miller's new bourbon-flavored beer after the Fortune was announced, MillerCoors released an official statement:

"Since that story ran, there have been several follow-up stories that inaccurately portray Miller Fortune as being a bourbon-flavored beer," media relations director Jonathan Stern wrote. "That is simply not true." [Source]

So...let's get this straight. Miller Fortune is a bourbon/whiskey-inspired malt liquor that is intended to compete with the bourbon and whiskey market, but it doesn't actually have any connection to bourbon or whiskey except that if you drink lots of it you will get wasted? Okay. I'm listening. Apparently MillerCoors wants me to get really drunk, and then to kill people.

Wait what? Kill people? I guess we should probably talk about the second identity crisis I mentioned. Can someone explain to me what is going on with scary mobster actors trying to sell me alcohol? This is what I'm talking about:

"HEY! Buy our fucking product or we will fucking kill you, and your family, and your dog."

I understand using hot women to sell me beer. I understand using famous black rappers that have put their 'fuck the police' attitude behind them to sell me beer. I even kind of understand using Sherpas to sell me the coldest and most refreshing beer in the world. 

But scary actors who portray scary mobsters? Really? Mark Strong might be a nice guy in real life, but Ray Liotta looks like he could come unhinged at any moment. You better hope there are no 2x4s laying around or he doesn't feel like compressing your skull with his bare hands, because he totally has that look like he could do that. Oh, and by the way, "buy our alcohol product!"

Who the fuck is this supposed to be marketed to?!!?!? Ray Liotta isn't a cool cat, he is fucking scary! 

Anyway...

Shitty Beer Tuesday #8: Miller Fortune

The Miller Fortune pours out into a deep orange, transparent body. It produces excessive amounts of rapidly forming head, to the tune of three-plus fingers. The head gives way to some spotty lacing, and the beer settles into an amber body in bright light. There's carbonation in here too. I don't think my fortune has changed just yet...

The Miller Fortune website is underwhelming, which is why I haven't mentioned it yet. The aroma on this beer is also kind of underwhelming, with cereal and corn malt sweetness present on the nose. I guess the aroma is kind of "amber," if you like to describe the smell of your malt liquor with colors. If you delve into the nose a little further it smells okay. I'm getting some light grassy hops, caramel malts, and some sweet, bread-like malts typical of a lighter Bock. It doesn't smell skunky or overly sweet.

The taste reminds me of malt liquors, and there's a weirdly cloying, sweet, off-putting thing on the finish. It starts out okay up front with big malt sweetness, bready malts, some biscuit, and a little hop balance. The middle is also okay, as the sweetness melds into some nice mild grassy hop notes. The back end is where everything goes to shit, like when the stripper brushes up on you during the lap dance and you end up with that snail trail. You get that blast of booze, fusel alcohol, and sickly gasoline sweetness. It's a really off-putting flavor, and it's reminiscent of terrible libations served in 40oz cans. 

I'm happy to report that this will get your drunk. If that's what you want, you could do worse than to buy this. I'm feeling some nice alcohol warming here. But how does this beer tie into spirits? I don't get it! It's like the Ray Liotta and Mark Strong advertising thing. How is this beer connected to spirits? It tastes like every other shitty malt liquor, only slightly better. It's light-bodied, easy-drinking, and spends quality time on your palate for better or worse. I'm not a sophisticated hobo so I won't talk about complexity. Needless to say, all the bready and hoppy goodness up front and in the middle is ruined in the finish. Bleh.

Rating: Below-Average (2.0/5.0 Untappd)

This is a Strong Below-Average. The only redeeming quality here is that this beer will get you drunk. It's not the worst malt liquor out there...not by a long shot. There's a refined element to this swill that elevates it over a lot of the horrible malt liquors available. But comparing malt liquors is like rating your poo: no one wins. Food pairings here include being homeless or wanting to get wasted. If Mark Strong reads this, hopefully he can nope the fuck out of future advertising deals. I'm sure a real bourbon/whiskey company would pay you to advertise, dude. Also, don't kill me. Please?

Random Thought: Craft beer has a huge bourbon connection. Look at all the bourbon barrel-aged beers available these days. The Miller Fortune is not only a bad beer, but it is poorly conceived in terms of its advertising and purpose. MillerCoors is way behind the eight-ball. These guys don't get it. And that's a shame, because I still enjoy the occasional Miller High Life. 

Even though this beer is hella cheap, I probably wouldn't buy it again. Maybe if it came in a 40...at 6.9%, I can do similar damage with a good tasting IPA. If I want to get wasted, the aforementioned 40s will do the trick. Take note, MillerCoors.