Shitty Beer Tuesday #3: Stella Artois

I hate Stella. Not just because it is a mediocre beer, or owned by A-B InBev, but because it is an overpriced beer masquerading as a quality Belgian brew. This is going to get shitty fast, so brace yourself. 

Brewed By: A-B InBev (InBev Belgium) in Leuven, Belgium

Purchased: Single bomber (22.4oz) from Jewel-Osco in Illinois; 2011

Style/ABV: Pale Lager/Premium American Lager, 5.2%

Pronounced Stella "Are-twa," or "Arrrr-twa" if you are a pirate with down syndrome, Stella is a beer that is all appearance and no class. From the fancy label on the bottle to the classy Super Bowl commercial starring Adrien Brody, this beer is trying everything to get you to spend your hard earned cash. I am a sad beer drinker because I have seen Stella being consumed in popular current movies (I'm pretty sure Jennifer Aniston was drinking Stella in that recent Adam Sandler movie, Just Go With It), and Stella advertisements are popping up everywhere. This beer is basically Budweiser or Heineken dressed up, so I don't get its appeal. I do not understand the inflated price of this beer compared to other go-to pale lagers. 

But the real moment of fleeting hilarity came while I was shopping for some beer in downtown Chicago. As I was walking through Jewel's lackluster beer aisle, I saw their "Belgian beer section." This included a handful of Belgian-style beers, including one of my absolute favorites: Duvel. Sitting boldly next to the Duvel bomber, and among the other Belgian ales, was a 22.4oz bottle of Stella. Putting Stella, a pale lager, next to a bunch of Belgian ales is something you notice. It's like a white person at the Apollo, or a girl who is a 4 standing next to a bunch of 8s.

Analogy time: Stella is on the left

This got me thinking: Was Stella situated next to Duvel because the guy stocking the beer at Jewel-Osco doesn't care about beer? Or is this a brilliant marketing ploy by A-B InBev to bolster the appearance of a pretty average pale lager. I'm going with the second theory. 

I'll summarize key points about the beer's history and some interesting facts. All this information can be found at Wikipedia. Basically the beer has been in production since 1926. The beer began as a seasonal Christmas beer, became popular enough to get exported to Europe, and the rest is shitty beer history. Despite the high price of the beer, UK Advertisements have tried to condition consumers into buying into the hype by using the slogan "Reassuringly Expensive." That does sound a lot better than "Stella will rape your wallet so hard your ass will hurt for weeks." 

Stellllaaaa!!! (not French)

It makes sense to jump on this marketing strategy: inflating prices seems to fool the general public. It has worked to sell Hummers, name-brand drugs, and everything Apple. The most recent advert for Stella came during the 2011 Super Bowl. The 2011 Adrien Brody Super Bowl commercial (you can see it on Youtube) was criticized by the folks in Belgian for giving the impression that Stella is French. The take home message that I get from this is that the Belgians hate the French. I guess everyone hates the French.

Hilariously, Stella was apparently linked with aggression and binge-drinking in the UK, and received the nickname "wife beater." I'm no beer sociologist, but does anyone see recurring trends with pale lagers? Budweiser and rednecks in meth labs; Fosters and rednecks with belt buckles; Stella and rednecks who beat their wives. Of course correlation does not imply causation, and I'm mostly joking anyway.

Anyway, that's enough shit-slinging for now. This highly biased review must move forward, so let's see what all the hype is about.

Before I dive in I'll point out that the BJCP doesn't just throw Stella into the pale lager category like Ratebeer and BeerAdvocate do. Apparently Stella is a "Premium American Lager" instead of qualifying as a "Standard American Lager." According to the BJCP, the difference is that Stella and other Premium American Lagers use fewer adjuncts.

Stella pours in a pretty standard affair. I did pour it into a 16-oz glass, so everything is super-sized, including the head. This beer is pale golden in color, completely see-through (like water), and full of bubbly carbonation. A lot of carbonation is rising upwards. This beer yields a big 2-finger white head that is a lot thicker and has more foam than the Budweiser and Foster's I tackled the past two weeks. The fact that the head is still hanging around a few minutes after the pour and that it is leaving some lacing on my glass is truly incredible. I'll make sure to report back on its progress. 

The first note I got when opening the cap of this beer was mild skunk notes. Beer's number one enemy is light, and beer's best protector is a brown bottle or a can. Green bottles are the second best way to store beer, only edging out clear bottles. Despite being better than clear bottles, beer from a green bottle may have a skunk quality due to exposure to light. The skunk smell I am getting from the bottle may or may not be a contamination, as slight skunk notes are often a characteristic to pale lagers. The good news is that the skunk note isn't really showing up in my glass. I am smelling a lot of sweet grain, and maybe some sour notes like sour apple. It's a clean nose, and I'm happy to report the "skunk" note isn't present after the pour.

Stella Arrrrr-Twa: shitty beer dressed up

I have 22.4oz of this stuff here, so this isn't just a review, it's an event. I have some Bold Party Chex Mix here, which seems like an appropriate compliment to this beer. There isn't a lot going on with this beer anyway. Stella Artois kind of rides the line between Budweiser's slightly cloying sweet character and Heineken's pale/bitter character. There's a lot of light grain in the profile, with a slight bitterness. There is some grass and maybe some light hints of an apple note. I'm also getting a nice malty roundness which isn't too assertive but works.

This is a super light, crisp, and refreshing beer. This is easy-drinking, but doesn't really have any depth. I guess for its style it has some depth as the malty quality plays with some of the grain and hop notes. But pale lagers aren't supposed to be deep or complex. On the front end is a lot of carbonation and grain; the grain rolls into the malt, in the middle, which plays against some of the hops; and the back end is crisp and pretty refreshing. 

Rating: Average

Score: 67%

Dammit. As much as I hate this beer, this is actually a pretty middle-of-the-road pale lager. It is still mediocre in a lot of ways, but for the style it is something I will likely drink again and have had many times. It seems like there is no escaping Stella. Stttttteeeeelllllllaaaa!!!!

First off, I'm amazed at the lacing. There is lacing on my glass from top to bottom. Second, there is a solid coating of bubbles forming something barely resembling a head. This weak-ass head is still miles ahead of the curve when compared to Budweiser or Fosters.

But now the caveats. The main one is price. This shit is expensive and for no good reason other than "expensive implies quality." Expensive doesn't always imply quality, and unfortunately in this case it is hard to justify a 6-er or 12-pack of this stuff when you can pick up something in the same price range that is much, much better. If you are going to buy Stella Artois, buy it on sale or in the form of single bottle bombers. 

Which brings me to the second biggest caveat with this beer. If you drink this beer warm, or if you let your glass of beer sit out for a bit, it will skunk FAST. Stella seems to skunk at record breaking speeds, and is best consumed at a moderately chilled (not frozen, just refrigerated) temperature. This beer also weighs on you, and I personally cannot drink more than one or two of these before some of the "skunky" notes become bothersome. 

I guess lastly, this beer is an A-B InBev beer. That's also a good reason to not buy this beer and support your local brewry. So in conclusion, Stella is an okay Pale Lager, but it's price does not justify the beer. Also, Stella is not a Belgian Ale and I wish it would quit posturing as such. Stella may be king when it comes to Shitty Beer Tuesday, but even a dressed up shitty beer is still a shitty beer.

So until next week's Shitty Beer Tuesday: cheers.