Hopvine: makin' beers and stuff

He went to Jared? I went to Jared. He did? Yeah. Oh wait, no. I went to Hopvine. Huuunnnugggahhh gaiz, am I in Indiana? 

Hopvine is a brewery brewpub micropub gastropub place that serves beer and food. Located next to rich white people, Hopvine is not in the ghetto like those whacky stoners, Lagoon-knee-toes. You can

Why not stop at Toys "R" Us while you are there

find Hopvine in the Valley of the Fox, in Aurora, Illinois. Hopvine is a little bit off the beaten path, but it's located next to familiar hot spots like Toys "R" Us and the Comedy Shrine. Wut more could you want from Indiana. 

The brew meister Ken McMullen has past experience working at the now closed, Limestone Brewing Company, in neighboring rich white people town, Plainfield, Illinois. Da chef guy, Tom Beckert, smokes foods and makes them really delicious. I wish I watched more Food Network but I had to stop after they fired my hero, Paula Deen. 

Now this ain't some fucking Yelp review and I'm not a master ceasaroni. I'm just a guy that likes beer and killing hookers. There's a couple of posts about Hopvine on Reddit, including this write-up in /r/ChicagoBeer and this review in the /r/ChicagoSuburbs subreddit (why is this even a thing? do any ladies want to meet up? hit me up on my gchat at BeerRapist47@gmail.corn). There's also the Daily Harold review at DailyHarold.com. And you can go to Yelp. But why would you go to Yelp? 

Alcoholism helps you forget! So order a tasting flight. That's beer lingo for samples of all the beers. The brewery had seven in-house beers on tap. And they even had the brewing equipment in the brewery brewpub micropub gastropub place that serves beer. It was pretty nifty. Okay, here are some quick notes on the beers before I black out:

I really love this. All breweries and bars should have detailed information like this. 

Number One: 

Splagna / German-Style Kolsch (4.59% ABV, 24 IBU) - Kohls? I don't even know what that means. Something about an Ale brewed at Lager temps or something. This doesn't even get hookers or kids that drunk. I guess it tastes really good though. It reminded me of a really well-made Pils-en-er, with tons of delicious, fresh, pleasantly soapy hops, and big biscuit/malt flavor. More crushable than a car full of dead... (4.0/5.0 Untappd)

Number Two: 

Urban Tumbleweed / German-Style Hefeweizen (4.86% ABV, 18 IBU) - Hey gaiz, this hefer-verizon is really good. I had really low expectations, because I really like the Reinhitlersgeobot, and I'm a big fan of German hefer-verizons. The brewery says this beer tastes like bananas and clove, and I agree. It's not the most complex hefer-verizon, but the banana and clove really shine and it is super clean. I know I'm rating it par the course, but you really should check this one out if you go to the brewery brewpub micropub gastropub place that serves beer. (3.0/5.0 Untappd)

Number Three: 

Aurora Amber / American Amber Ale (5.25% ABV, 23 IBU) - One time, I was disposing a hooker behind a theater, and I heard all these awesome noises, so I walked into this Stephen Shpeel movie called "Jurassic Park." Anyway, they were talking about how mosquiters get frozen in amber, and you can make dinosaurs out of them! This beer is okay, it's like clean and hoppy with some toasty malts and complex wheat bread. Pretty balanced and drinkable and goes well with their smoked/dry chicken wings, but it doesn't taste like dinosaurs. (3.5/5.0 Untappd)

Number Four: 

46 Saloons....India Brown Ale....46 Saloons....India Brown Ale...???? - okay, so here's what happened here. The next three beers in the tasting flight all looked kind of da same, you know? Some guy named Senior M invented this scaled called the Sr.M scale. It's like a color scale for the master race and then somehow brewers started using it or something. So anyway, the lovely server mixed up the 46 Saloons with the I.B.A. and don't worry I'll take care of that later but the important thing is I was able to figure it out even though I'm not a master ceasorni. 

46 Saloons / American Pale Ale (5.61% ABV, 68 IBU) - Described as a West Coast APA...look, I'm drinking a Zombie Dust right now. Do I need to say more? This one is kind of malty, with a bit of an extract/syrup thing, and lots of sugars. There's a nice woody and resinous pine flavor in the beer, with some orange and citrus. It seriously reminded me more of an IPA than an American Pale Ale, but like I said, I'm not an expert on ceasornis and zombie dust. (3.0/5.0 Untappd)

Number Five: 

Number One through Seven (starting with the kohls on the right)

I.B.A. (India Brown Ale) / India Brown Ale (6.67% ABV, 75 IBU) - I saw this episode of Dogfin Head!!! India Brown Ale isn't a category/style of beer!!!! Cam Salagioni is going to sue for copyright infringing. I guess this brown ale is made with 5 malts and 6 hop additions, and is then aged for like 1 year and 9 months or something. This was maybe my favorite beer of the night, really fucking good with complex woody notes, chocolate, roast, toast...and some nice piney hops to balance everything out. This beer cleans up nicely, unlike the ones that try to get away. (4.0/5.0 Untappd)

Number Six: 

Alpha Mastodon - Ella / Imperial IPA (~9% ABV, 95 IBU) - First. In their Mastodon series. Mastodon is what I ask the ladies to call my member. This beer features the Australian hop, Ella. Ella (formerly called Stella) is an Australian hop that grows in the spider nests of the Australian Funnel Web Spider. The rough environment gives the Ella hop profiles of anise and Peter Parker. This beer was good and has potential...I found it to be American Barleywine-esque, and a bit sweet. I jotted down notes of guava, apricot, fruit roll-ups, and plums. I can see where you might find anise in the beer. It's hoppy but in a fruity way, maybe a touch under attenuated? I don't know, I'm not like one of those neckbeard fisherman homebrewers. (3.5/5.0 Untappd). 

Number Seven: 

Ehrmagourd! Smerked Permpkin Perter/ Smoked Pumpkin Porter (5.18% ABV, 18 IBU) - This beer makes me want to go on a hooker-killing rampage. This beer is fucking delicious, with a thinner body that features complex and subtle malt, coffee, roast, pumpkin spice, and TONS of woody goodness. 

I don't know what the fuck the plebians on Yelp and Untappd are complaining about, but let's get two things straight. One, this isn't some Southern Tier PumKingWarlock beer. This is a Porter that is punching in at 5.18% ABV. This beer is not that robust! Think Texas Ranger Firestone Walker's Porter or the Dogfin Chicory Indian Tepee Stout. It's supposed to have a lighter body, dumbass.

Two...this beer is not that smokey. If you find the smoke flavor in this to be strong or offensive, you obviously haven't had the Rogue Voodoo Doughnut Maple Baconator Hitler. Or any smoked beer for that matter. So stop talking.

This beer is misunderstood, like serial hooker killers. I really enjoyed the pumpkin spice and subtle coffee and roast tones in this beer. Is it the best pumpkin beer out there, no, not by a long shot. It's good though. (4.0/5.0 Untappd).

Number Eight: 

The Food - Okay gaiz, I need to go now, because I forgot to use a proxy. But let me talk about da food. Now I'm no Paula Deen even though I want a plantation wedding, but I thought the food here was like really good. You should check it out. Most of the food is like really smokey and smoked and I think they smoke their own food.

I ordered the "Hopvine Sampler" with a suggested Amber Ale beer pairing. The Sampler came with smoked chicken wings, pulled pork, ribs, summer sausage, and onion strings. I guess pulled pork is really hard to fuck up, because it's usually good wherever I go. The pulled pork at Hopvine is some of the best pulled pork I have had this year. I give it many praises. The smoked chicken wings are also out of this fucking world. I will be back just to get a plate full of those smoked chicken wings. The ribs fell off the bone and were as good as the pulled pork, and the onions strings were delicious. The only thing that fell a bit short for me was the summer sausage, which was just kind of "meh" comapred to the insanely good smoked offerings. More smokey than Denver, legalize it [420].

I also ordered the Poutine. Suggested drink pairing was some wine thing, which is totally gay. Garrett Olive would show up and fucking kill everyone and then sell overpriced beta copies of his Encyclopedio. Anyway, the Poutine was made with fries, rennards white cheese curds, green onions, and red wine demi. You should pair the Poutine with your Splagna Kohls or your I.B.A.. Poutine is pretty hard to fuck up (cheese, potatoes, gravy...come on!), and the poutine here is respectable. But DryHop and Chicago's Bad Apple have better poutine. Thank you French people. You raisied Canada's stock and made threesomes and anal okay. 

Some of the Yelp reviews are like "the pricing is really high," but ask yourself this. What type of yuppie prick writes Yelp reviews? The pricing is totally fine and in line with what you should expect when a real chef is cooking you delicious food to pair with your real beer. The pricing is acceptable, and within reason. It's not bad at all.

Number Nine: I took a crap - just kidding. Or am I? But there is a back exit, which is great for evading police or disposing of bodies. The facility and building is super nice. The decor is great. The whole brewery brewpub micropub gastropub place that serves beer has a nice ambience, and the place feels like a bar but a nice, upscale bar. It isn't fake as shit like Destihl in Urbana, so I dig it. I really like the location, and it feels like there will be plenty of room for busy Friday and Saturday nights. It's not the Roundhouse but it will do pig, it will do.

Number Ten: Check this place out. It's pretty fucking awesome, and a good microbrewery in the suburbs with reasonable beer and reasonable food. It's not Revolution and probably not Two Brothers, but it can certainly hold its own. Plus, it's not in the scary city like Loogie-nee-toos.

I give strong recommendations to the Splagna Kohls-style beer and the I.B.A.. The German Hefer-verizon and Pumpkin Ale are not far behind, and despite being flawed I kind of like their Imperial IPA. I also give strong recommendations to their pulled pork and chicken wings. The wings are amazing. Get on this if you can. For more info:

http://www.hopvinebrewingcompany.com/

https://twitter.com/hopvinebrewing

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hopvine/